Big Toilin'

It's a safe bet that Brett and I will have even slightly differing opinions on most matters. Even when we agree, we've often come to the same thought from different paths. So when Brett and I exactly mirrored each other on our feelings about moving to Raleigh, it left us paralyzed - because both of us were comfortably neutral on the matter. 

"We could go! Yeah! An adventure. A change. That's fun. Yeah!"
"We could just stay though too. Yeah! So cozy. I love our house. Our friends are here! Yeah. What's life without your people? Staying would be good too!"
"What would you rather do?"

"Either. What about you?"

"I don't feel strongly."

Brett is a great partner on account of loving me. While he had no reason to relocate to Raleigh, turns out he's real invested in my happiness. So, no, he didn't want to go, but yes, "let's do it! I want to watch Lue bloom!" In the case of being the reason we have to pack up our crap and disturb our half dozen animals so I can have a job, I really wanted Brett to be the one that tipped the scale one way or another, but he refused. Who knew being prioritized could be annoying?

Erik finally caught a flight out of town. The snow finally melted. And I finally decided I would accept the job. I found us a furnished place to stay for a few months while we worked out what area we'd want to move to. I started collecting boxes, chucking out old toiletries, and made a list of people I wanted to make sure I saw before we moved in 4 weeks. Brett told everyone at his workplace that he was leaving on account of his high profile wife. He beamed at my 

butt-kicking potential. 

Meanwhile, I spoke to two women who hold the same position at different organizations, and what I learned eventually made me second guess things. There were negatives about the job that I was choosing to ignore because the positives were so good. I got nervous that I hadn't really thought this through. The position is new for the organization, so when I asked about my day-to-day schedule or expectations, they didn't really have answers. Would I be in the office or with the public more? What ratio of time will be spent on strategizing vs education? Do you have a plan in place for starting the Fall program?  Most of my questions went unanswered. And how could they answer - they've never had anyone doing this for them before. That was all ok with me at first. I get to blaze the trail! 

But wait, we both mostly love our life in Charleston. I don't really know what I'm signing up for here. Do I upheave everything where we're happy, for the possibility of a 9-5 job that tickles me? And it's not like it's the kind of salary a person relocates for. It's a non-profit for goodness sakes!

Over at Brett's workplace, they didn't exactly accept his two weeks. They've thrown every possible goodie at him to make him stay. More money. Less hours. Work from home. Take a sabbatical. Choose the projects. 

Because Brett's so lovely about other people's trials, "negotiations" are still ongoing.

I stared out our big kitchen window at the sunlight sparkling off the high tide. I imagined the tiny patch of yard we would have in Raleigh in the characterless, development-community house we'd live in 30 minutes outside of town because everything is so expensive. The dogs would hate it.  

But then I'd think of the exciting job. All the juicy potential of the position. Spending my day advocating for farmed animals. How honored I am that they chose me. The calm and gentle boss I would have. The rescued animals right outside my office window.

Extremely reluctantly, and with a few false starts, I declined the offer.

Brett played it cool when I told him, but I know he's secretly relieved. He told me he's been looking forward to being unemployed in Charleston. A fun place to be a surf bum, apparently.

So I end this post as I did the last:

None of us know what to do with ourselves.

What will happen next?