Big Toilin'

It's a safe bet that Brett and I will have even slightly differing opinions on most matters. Even when we agree, we've often come to the same thought from different paths. So when Brett and I exactly mirrored each other on our feelings about moving to Raleigh, it left us paralyzed - because both of us were comfortably neutral on the matter. 

"We could go! Yeah! An adventure. A change. That's fun. Yeah!"
"We could just stay though too. Yeah! So cozy. I love our house. Our friends are here! Yeah. What's life without your people? Staying would be good too!"
"What would you rather do?"

"Either. What about you?"

"I don't feel strongly."

Brett is a great partner on account of loving me. While he had no reason to relocate to Raleigh, turns out he's real invested in my happiness. So, no, he didn't want to go, but yes, "let's do it! I want to watch Lue bloom!" In the case of being the reason we have to pack up our crap and disturb our half dozen animals so I can have a job, I really wanted Brett to be the one that tipped the scale one way or another, but he refused. Who knew being prioritized could be annoying?

Erik finally caught a flight out of town. The snow finally melted. And I finally decided I would accept the job. I found us a furnished place to stay for a few months while we worked out what area we'd want to move to. I started collecting boxes, chucking out old toiletries, and made a list of people I wanted to make sure I saw before we moved in 4 weeks. Brett told everyone at his workplace that he was leaving on account of his high profile wife. He beamed at my 

butt-kicking potential. 

Meanwhile, I spoke to two women who hold the same position at different organizations, and what I learned eventually made me second guess things. There were negatives about the job that I was choosing to ignore because the positives were so good. I got nervous that I hadn't really thought this through. The position is new for the organization, so when I asked about my day-to-day schedule or expectations, they didn't really have answers. Would I be in the office or with the public more? What ratio of time will be spent on strategizing vs education? Do you have a plan in place for starting the Fall program?  Most of my questions went unanswered. And how could they answer - they've never had anyone doing this for them before. That was all ok with me at first. I get to blaze the trail! 

But wait, we both mostly love our life in Charleston. I don't really know what I'm signing up for here. Do I upheave everything where we're happy, for the possibility of a 9-5 job that tickles me? And it's not like it's the kind of salary a person relocates for. It's a non-profit for goodness sakes!

Over at Brett's workplace, they didn't exactly accept his two weeks. They've thrown every possible goodie at him to make him stay. More money. Less hours. Work from home. Take a sabbatical. Choose the projects. 

Because Brett's so lovely about other people's trials, "negotiations" are still ongoing.

I stared out our big kitchen window at the sunlight sparkling off the high tide. I imagined the tiny patch of yard we would have in Raleigh in the characterless, development-community house we'd live in 30 minutes outside of town because everything is so expensive. The dogs would hate it.  

But then I'd think of the exciting job. All the juicy potential of the position. Spending my day advocating for farmed animals. How honored I am that they chose me. The calm and gentle boss I would have. The rescued animals right outside my office window.

Extremely reluctantly, and with a few false starts, I declined the offer.

Brett played it cool when I told him, but I know he's secretly relieved. He told me he's been looking forward to being unemployed in Charleston. A fun place to be a surf bum, apparently.

So I end this post as I did the last:

None of us know what to do with ourselves.

What will happen next?

Limbo

Did I forget I have this blog? Yep. I sure did. Almost the whole month has passed and my brain just meekly said, "Hey Lue, uh... sorry to bother you. It's just that, well, you haven't done your blog in awhile... and well..."

"Enough!" I shouted in response. "You're right. I forgot."

It's because I'm living life in limbo. Brett and I had a whole strategy for the the first chunk of this year. It was all loosely laid out - and by that I mean, we had no real plans but we knew what we wanted. So in researching how to get that ball rolling, I stumbled upon a job posting of so much wonderful potential that I just couldn't help but apply. This was December 30th. 

On New Year's Day, I hopped on a call for an initial interview. Then I floated around my house for two weeks, unable to commit to any tasks because I was waiting for that email of next steps. Will they invite me to the next round? Will it be in-person? Will they not call me back at all? 
I don't know what you call this affliction, but I most certainly inherited it from Big Mama U. If we're waiting on something, we just can't do anything in the meantime. For example, if Mom has to be somewhere at 2:00, she'll spend the whole morning flitting about; straightening pillows, a quick email check, a scan of the newspaper. But no committing to any tasks that take legitimate time or mental acuity. Why? Because you could get too involved in your task and then forget about the 2:00 commitment. Or because doing other things could leave you without the appropriate mental capacity to prepare for whatever outing you've likely been roped into attending. 

For this reason, Mom and I both like to front-load our day so that we don't waste a morning twiddling thumbs, and so that once were done for the day, we can truly be done. We don't like to leave our homes after 2 or 3 o'clock. Also, we never had to discuss this. I reckon Mom was always this way, I grew into the affliction, and one day one of us must have verbalized our inability to do things while waiting for things, and that's when we each felt seen on the matter. 

So, I did mostly nothing for two weeks until my in-person interview... in Raleigh, NC.

Meanwhile, the ante was upped at Brett's job place. He's got projects that have come back from the dead, projects that refuse to die, checks that somehow just never get delivered (that is the longest saga), and this and that and all kinds of other things that never allow Brett to ever actually scratch any work off of his list. His entire profession keeps him in a perpetual state of limbo.

We went up to Raleigh for my interview. Ellie and Caroline came with us because Caroline used to live in the area and thought she could be very helpful directing us to areas of town we might like to live in if I happen to get the job. We had a big time up there - it's very pretty, even in the freezing rain we had while we were there - and then came back home to wait for the next steps. 

I did nothing for two more days. 

Then Erik came to stay at our house for one night. He's headed off for an adventure to New Zealand and rented out his house while he's away. The renter showed up one day early so Erik and his suitcase came over to our house. That night, we got a very big snow (!!) so Erik's flight was cancelled, and Brett had to work from home. So Erik and I spent a day flitting about, burning time, because neither of us really know what to do with ourselves while Brett clickity-clacked his keyboard in the other room.

The snow didn't really melt much, so the next day, Erik's flight was cancelled again. He had to spend another day twiddling his thumbs on our couch. Then I got an email with an official offer letter for the job in Raleigh. I got all nervous and screechy and called all my friends to ask what I should do. Brett beamed at me from his office chair. Erik rooted around in his bag of plane snacks while I made a list of pros and cons and declared that no matter what we're not selling our house.

Today, Brett put in his two weeks.

We have four extra chilly animals sleeping in the bed with us at night. There is snow on the ground and icy roads keeping us trapped at home. We have an accidental houseguest who doesn't trust his latest flight update. Brett has a future to plan. I have a really cool job offer in my inbox that is keeping me from doing anything productive until our path is set in stone. 

None of us know what to do with ourselves. 
What will happen next?