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By Brett EisenEars

Guest Columnist

“Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has turned on the Fasten Seat Belt sign. If you haven’t already done so, please stow your carry-on luggage underneath the seat in front of you or in an overhead bin. Please take your seat and fasten your seat belt. And also make sure your seat back and folding trays are in their full upright position..."

This won't be the usual ride. Laura Union is MIA, so to speak. But so far her plants have survived, which is what really matters, right?

Today you will be blessed by the insight of the first-time guest columnist (don't worry about my last name - it's not important). I am here to tell you the dark side of the Unions - the real side. I am the indentured servant to the Unions due to a series of unfortunate events involving the tailgate of Laura's 4Runner and a 21-foot "I-beam" - not to mention too many family dinners and a 95 lbs jerk named Buddy (As I type I am being harassed by the fetid creature). I have found myself stuck in indentured servitude for the foreseeable future. But so it goes...

"...If you are seated next to an emergency exit, please read carefully the special instructions card located by your seat. If you do not wish to perform the functions described in the event of an emergency, please ask a flight attendant to reseat you..."

My employers are out of town, basking in the indulgences of Mother Russia. It seems a good time to expose them for what they really are, slave drivers of the worst kind. This “All-American” family puts on a very convincing show with good conservative values, a strong work ethic, and a riotous and lawless dog. But there is a darker side, one that no one else gets to observe. I hope there is enough space between them and me to provide an adequate get-away before they can cancel their plans and show up on my doorstep. If you never hear from me again, heed my warning: Keep your distance!!!!

"...We remind you that this is a non-smoking flight. Smoking is prohibited on the entire aircraft, including the lavatories. Tampering with, disabling or destroying the lavatory smoke detectors is prohibited by law. If you have any questions about our flight today, please don’t hesitate to ask one of our flight attendants. Thank you...”

Nancy Union

This carefree spirit dances like theres no tomorrow - except only in the safety of a known audience and only for a minute at a time. She’s the primary source of the tasks I am asked to carry out. She favors the bullwhip and a chair when monitoring my progress on any of her arduous requests. “Brettie, can you pick this up for me?” Brettie, please take care of my Bobo.” “Brettie, can you please re-shingle the roof?” “Brettie, that's not good enough, redo it.”

 

Nancy knows both Shaolin and Tai Chi Quan Kung Fu, but neither cuisines. She's often seen yelling out of her window at kids or Ohioans. She was once asked to resign from the Ghost Tours for disorderly conduct.
  
She looks innocent. Don’t believe her lies.  

3 good qualities: Wonderful smile, Task oriented, Orange Chicken.

Weaknesses: No upper body strength. No lower body strength. Not particularly fast.

Chris Union

Mr. Chris. Where to start. He isn’t much of a worker; a real lazy freeloader, if you ask me. In fact, I haven’t seen him anywhere but on the couch. This doesn't mean he is asleep or indifferent to the world. You must watch out for him. He’s constantly thinking up ways to entrap me further into indentured servitude. He’s shifty. “Brett, why don’t you come over for dinner? We won’t ask you to do anything this time. I promise.” Yeah, right. I’ve fallen for that 14 times.  

3 good qualities: Once had a powerful mustache. Evil laugh. Negotiating skills - he’s the one that negotiated my servitude.

Weaknesses: Driver awareness, work ethic, lack of mustache.

"...Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign. We are now crossing a zone of turbulence. Please return your seats and keep your seat belts fastened. Thank you..."

Ellen Union

Ellen Union is the sweetest Union. She has always gone out of her way to make sure I feel welcome… while I am slaving away. Her presence is a De-light, though! She is my reprieve from the two parents, the only Union to really treat me with the dignity and respect deserved by any living creature. The last time I was allowed my usual timed 2-minute break from one of Nancy’s latest tasks - digging new footings for the house upgrade - Ellen snuck gatorade and crackers for sustenance to me when the task-master wasn’t looking. I am forever grateful to her.

3 good qualities: Kindness, sunny disposition. Carefree attitude.

Weaknesses: Is sometimes too kind. Doesn’t know when to be stern with someone.

Laura Union

Boy is she bossy - she combines the worst qualities of both parents into one. She constantly orders me around AND thinks up conniving new ways to entrap me further in this Union scheme. I must admit that her beauty is enchanting and I am powerless to stand up against her. Though her math doesn’t always add up - I know she’s the reason I’m trapped on a permanent basis. 

Then there are the times when she is simply neglecting me. I literally have to ask permission to be in her presence and only then I am allowed 20 minutes (5 of which I am allowed to talk). But its all worth it.   

3 good qualities: Only three?  

Weaknesses: Instructions, Word Puzzles, Scheduling appointments for the right day.

"...Ladies & Gentlemen, we're now approaching Charleston where the local time is 11:00pm. At this time please return to your seat with your seat belt firmly fastened. Personal television screens, footrests and seat tables must be stowed away and all hand luggage stored either in the overhead lockers or under the seat in front. Please ensure all electronic devices including laptop computers and computer games are turned off. And thank you for choosing Ignited Airways, if you think you hate us now, wait till you land!"

And if you don't think this lie is true, ask the blind man.. he saw it too.

Back To The Lake

Just before July 4th, Hayden invited us back to the lake house in Virginia for a long weekend of grueling activities. This time I'd finally get to meet the last of the Sewell brothers and redeem myself from never jumping off the roof of the boat house. Also, Jenny came along too so I wasn't the only loitering girlfriend in the midst of the athletic competitions. The Lake House is a magical place with a HonBonesque aura and a sense of self-indulgence. If you're hungry, you can go make yourself a snack except that a snack could be anything from a a salad to a piece of cake because the Sewells keep a solid stash of cakes in their lake house.

The attendance list is as follows:
Mama and Papa Sewell
Brothers 1 through 4
One brother's pregnant wife (that makes 1 and a half)
Erik, Jenny, Brett and Big Lu
Raffy - the dog

This venture to Bracey was quite similar to the last one. All the same games and activities were present except that since it's summer time, there was an increase in water sports. We also got up in the morning and watched World Cup games which is the one sporting event that I do enjoy keeping up with. Typically Brother #2 and his wife would prepare breakfast for us while we watched the games. Due to World Cup scheduling, we often didn't really start our day until 11:00. That's when we would partake in homemade biscuits or eggs and bacon or chocolate chip pancakes. After that we'd immediately go jump into the lake. The Sewells are a productive people, often waking up especially early to exercise or maintain the lawn. Brother #3 is training for a marathon, so he'd wake up and run nine miles, eat breakfast and then sleep until lunch. Papa Sewell never sits down (except to do a puzzle) and scampers from task to task, stopping occasionally to see what his sons are doing and then he laughs at them with gusto. I did catch him reading the newspaper, paddle boarding, and playing with Raffy so I can say for sure that Papa Sewell enjoys the lake house even under the role of groundskeeper. Mama Sewell delights me each time with her subtle musings and quiet joy about having a full house. A true veteran of raising four boys, she's not afraid to leave the group activities in favor of some quiet reading time. She'd come and go throughout the day but anytime you looked at her, she was taking in the scene with that special kind of Mama Love that you can feel just by looking at their faces. She's very thankful for her boys and has a way of thanking us for loving them too.

Enough of the squishy stuff. While Jenny and I floated around on Erik's pineapple intertube, the boys partook in wakebaording, gun-shooting, badminton, spike ball, frisbee, and a game where they throw balls at the other while they jump off the dock and they have to catch them before they hit the water. Competitive to his core, Hayden took each game and task with the seriousness of a government ordered mission and he's not above scolding you if your performance I not up to par. At some point he managed to bend and smash Jenny's finger so badly that it later doubled in size and turned blue. I'll add, for the record, that Hayden felt very badly about it. Brother #2 and wife made sure that we ate well over the weekend. They prepared lavish summer meals for supper that turned into creative, experimental lunches the next day. One night, the family surprised me with a birthday party. They wore party hats and blew into shimmery noise makers and then presented me with an additional cake.  Mama Sewell took lots of pictures and looked at me like I was one of her kids at their birthday party. Have I mentioned how lovely she is?

On our last full day, I woke up and sauntered out onto the porch and was informed that we were doing Family Olympics that day and I was on a team with three of the Sewell boys. Competitive Hayden let out a growl. "Oh no Lu! You're gonna drag us down! I'll try to be nice."
Jokes on you Hayden! My inner-athlete came out and I became one of the Sewell boys. At some point we all got distracted from Family Olympics but it was a tie where we left off. Family Olympics included diving competitions, catching competitions, a paddle-board race, corn-hole and badminton. Just before the task involving a gun, another World Cup game came on. Though on opposing teams, Jenny and I were relieved when the games were abandoned.

I did not want to leave the house that Monday morning. Brett had to get back to that pesky job of his and since it takes Hayden several days of acceptance to leave the Lake House, Erik rode back with us so that he could get some work done before the fourth as well. It was an uneventful ride back except that we stopped at a hole-in-the-wall burger place where Erik and Brett ordered enormous burgers and french fries and also had big, rich milkshakes. Brett became sleepy and made Erik drive. Erik was uncomfortably full and refused to consume anything else for the rest of the day.

These are the days we'll cherish. Gut-busters and all.

Two Little Day Makers

For a long time now, I've been a big fan of Youtube. Originally I used it to catch up on Craig Ferguson's latest antics and watch blooper reels from movies and news broadcastings. In college it became a place to find new tunes and undiscovered singing people that should have golden record deals by now. Post college, I enjoyed watching people interview other people and now, in my late twenties, I've reverted back to blooper reels. It just never gets old.

Last week, as I procrastinated, I came across two videos that I've watched multiples times since and I'd like to share them with you. They are very different and will perhaps only serve to display the drastic fluctuation (insanity) of my mental capacity in a ten minute time span.

The first delighted me for obvious reasons. These two guys, these little gifts to humankind, brought my work emails to life. I hate it so much that I love it.



This second one is by a "poet". I put that in quotes because it's not what you think of when someone says "poetry" but it's also too carefully planned to just be an eloquent speech. Rudy Francisco is a pretty neat guy. I'd urge you to listen to more of his word shows if I was hovering above your shoulder watching you watch this video.

I've never thought about the fact that I'm still alive. How cool is that?
That'll make sense in a minute.

Thoughts From My Big Blue Chair

In recent times, as I’ve sat in my big blue chair to regale you with laughs and musings from the ever-changing perspective of Big Lu, a late-twenties wannabe adventurer who is overly sure of her own insights, well I’ve sat with specific reports to share and not done my more typical, “I’m bored and here’s what I’ve been thinking about” style blog post that you may have gotten used to and subsequently wished would go away. I do prefer to delight you with something that I witnessed more than I do the paltry discussion I’m having with my brain that day. 

But in my musings about musings it only took me a second to acknowledge that I’ve had less time to muse and so I’m feeling out of touch with what I’d be learning and doing if the world supported such a thing as acquiring internal wisdom. Take my Florida Keys report for instance. Given previous accounts of tropical tales and the overseeing of the overseas, you might have expected more details from a whole week living differently than normal. I’d have liked to help paint the picture you have in your mind of what the big rental house looked like or the flow of mealtimes with eleven hungry people but I found myself too rushed to put description into that reality. We ate, we swam, we slept. That’s the jist but it also leaves the best hours unaccounted for.

I’ve found myself speeding through tasks and even cutting corners in areas that only affect me. It’s interesting how your concept of being ‘busy’ is constantly changing. I thought I was busy back in college with my part time job but later you get a full-time job and spend your downtime tending to assorted requirements. That feels busy because it’s unfulfilling. Then you by a dilapidated house and start a business and try to schedule your wedding and plan a honeymoon and still keep up with people’s birthdays and the definition of “busy” is totally redefined.

I’ve realized I define anything outside of what I want to be doing as “being busy” simply because I’d rather not be doing it. This would suggest that things I enjoy doing sit outside of the “busyness” category, falling under the title of “Living” or maybe, “Mental Well-being Activities.”

When work-things are slow, I move everyday chores into the “busyness” category and am subsequently burdened by them because I’d rather write a story or read a book or pop in on friends while they’re at work just to make their day brighter. I’d like to write letters to a lot of people, organize various aspects of my life, and spend more time cooking elaborate meals but I’ve found I can’t throw my focus into these Mental Well-Being things when there are chores to be done or deadlines to meet. The “productive” things I should be doing swarm around my head like gnats that no amount of Deet could ever repel.

To ensure that this post doesn’t sound like a downer I’ll add that a huge bulk of time has gone under the category of “Sociable Friendship Things” which is rewarding in a way similar to “Mental Well-being Activities”, except that you do come home after the great time and have lots of unticked boxes in your personal agenda. I'll give you a report on the Sociable Times of Lu-Bee-Doowop as soon as I harass my friends for accompanying photos.

My morning view.

I will tell you that I had multiple birthday meals out and received lots of flowers and plants which lines up perfectly with my plan to grow a jungle in my house. Brett splurged and bought pricey steaks to make for dinner that night (A real thrill. We're too poor for red meat.) but then he sliced his thumb open with a chef's knife and it really set a strange, bloody tone for a celebratory and extravagant meal at home. 

As far a wedding planning, I just need to order some lights, linens, and envelopes and the bulk of my wedding planning will be over. Brett still needs a suit. And we need wedding rings. Oh and a cake! Nevermind - I'm not done.

Lux n' U is already booking weddings for Spring of 2019 and putting out fires for Fall of 2018 so even though I'm currently "off-season" I'm still irksomely busy.

The list of big house projects has gotten down to just nine more painstakingly long tasks. Most of which I hope Brett will do while I'm out of town. Have I mentioned we're going out of town again? -Ellen found a cruise. You know my thoughts.

Also, Pippa tore part of her ACL and is on lockdown for six weeks. No running, jumping, stairs, or happiness. We're on day three and we're both extremely putout. 

 Here's a picture of Ari and Nate just because it makes me smile.

One last thing. I would like to share with you a song I wrote and sang while I was cutting the grass. No need to remark about my intelligence. I already know.

*To the tune of Row Row Row Your Boat

Mow mow mow your lawn,
several times a week.
Merrily caroling, 
happily barreling.
My yard is full of weeds.