Miami

T'was a long and laborious drive to Miami from Orangeburg on Christmas Day. We broke up our drive by stopping in Jacksonville for the night to sleep the four us in two beds made for anorexic dwarfs. Even Ellen's feet hung over the end of the midget mattress. I spent the entirety of the night ripping my sheets back out of Ellen's greedy little fingers while she spent most of her night kneeing me in the ribs. We had a rubber breakfast the next morning and then piled back into the car to make our way to Miami.

We arrived at a swanky hotel that Ellen had chosen months ago. Upon pulling up to the front door, a swarm of attractive men in salsa dancing outfits surrounded the car, opening doors, hoisting out luggage, and corralling us towards the front desk. While Dad checked in, a black man with the most enchanting green eyes lugged all of Ellen's wedding crap up to our room. We spent the late afternoon slumped in our room, napping and making plans. We accidentally had the most delicious Italian dinner and then Ellen stuffed me in a cab bound for South Beach, where we met and hung out with these guys...

Zey were from Holland yah and zey had ze most widiculous azzents. I liked these guys for not being creepy and for being equally shocked and appalled by the unladylike behavior of the South Beach Bimbos.

Ellen got married the next day blah blah.

We all had a big swanky breakfast in the hotel restaurant and then Dad casually and ingeniously dismissed himself for the rest of the morning. I should have fled the scene with him but instead I stayed put and Mom and I spent our morning watching Ellen be pampered, painted, and perfected.

This. Took. Hours. 

Oh the trouble that they went to. Every hair curled. Extra eyelashes glued on. Bronzer. Shimmer. Waa!!

Mom and I sat quietly on the couch watching Frasier. Thirty minutes before it was time to leave we got dressed and Dad finally reappeared, herding us out of the room before we were ready. I had to put my makeup on in the car while the Road Ninja bobbed and weaved us through traffic lights and around corners. We drove out to a pretty little beach about 15 minutes away and while Ellen hid in the car, I hopped out to find Shambles and in the process, I met my three new brothers. "I've always wanted brothers." I told them as they shook my hand. 

It was a quick, small ceremony and though the scenery was lovely, the wind put all of the females on high alert. "My hair!" Mom screeched as she descended onto the beach. "What do you mean my hair looks bad? Chris's Mom asked as she smiled for photos. My hair lifted up, spread out, and then wrapped itself around my head, tucking it's ends into my ears, nose, and mouth. I found this all just hysterical and struggled to maintain my composure. I was also forced to repress laughter when a tugboat tooted during the ceremony and Chris's Mom fell down into her chair. 

I have no pictures of Ellen's wedding day because I wasn't allowed to take any and I had to stand up there with the gal. You folks are just going to have to wait 3 weeks like the rest of us. Greg, the giggly Australian photographer said he would photoshop our hair back into place and try to make Dad's nose smaller. It will take three weeks. 

As a teaser, Dad took these two...

We were whisked right away to the Best Man's restaurant were he wined and dined us in an extravagant meal that I felt guilty taking part in. During this time I was wooed by my new brothers. Claude, Stefan, and Oliver. Charming smile, charming wit, charming quirks. This is how I labeled the three new ones and of course, Chris. He's Prince Charming. My new Bro's have already informed me that they will have to meet and approve of whomever I marry and they are also available to beat up anyone who gets in my way in life. 

That night Mom, Dad, and I moved to a new hotel in Ft. Lauderdale, right on the Intercoastal, and basically spent the next day slumped over, recovering from that gigantic dinner. Ellen and Chris made a brief appearance and then disappeared into the congested beach town for the rest of the day.

On Sunday, Chris's family threw a party to celebrate The Union. We met uncles and cousins and aunts and friends and I just love these people. First of all, they all had the most wonderful skin. Secondly, they laugh as much as we do. We had the best time sitting around the table of Aunts talking about their trips gone awry and that Dad is in fact the "perfect man."

The three of us reluctantly left about 7 o'clock and drove until midnight or so. We stayed the night in a hotel that had body odor and we endured another rubber breakfast before arriving back in Charleston a little after lunchtime. As a whole, it was an exhausting trip. It was the eating. We ate so much it wore us out.  We felt like we were gone, eating, for about two weeks. 

Ellen and Chris have also made it back and are coming over in a few hours to watch the Bowl game. You'd think these kids would want some alone time but we just can't get rid of 'em.