The Stagnate Slapper

In lieu of his responsibilities and prior obligations, the Stagnate Slapper strikes again. In an exclusive interview, he shares his methods.

Objective 1: Locate an innocent bystander.

Objective 2: Lightly shove the victim.

Objective 3: Get the victim riled up and fighting back.

Objective 4: Punch, slap, or kick your victim.

Objective 5: Throw the victim to the ground and scamper off, laughing maniacally.

The Stagnate Slapper admits that his methods can be rough and are best used on previously irritable, touchy, or ill-humored people. Though he prefers nighttime assaults, he will make exceptions for spontaneous visitors, unruly guests, and any who dare interrupt his napping schedule. Occasionally, when not feeling up to full on battery, he says he enjoys turning to abrasive socializing and verbal assault. His main methods in this context are to put down any and all people or business not directly linked to himself or his work. For example, "I have to call those crappin' cable people today." Or, "I'm not standing in that line. Crap on them!" and his favorite, "No crappin' way!"

In his spare time the Slapper enjoys woodworking, boat watching, eating out, and singing show-tunes to his dog, "Buddy".