A Delightful Discovery

Brett made me exercise and it was awful.

We jumped and squatted and kicked and lunged. We stretched, we leapt, we skipped and we swung our arms in large circles. And as I rolled onto my side in agony after the last of a body-folding crunch, he shouted, “Finished!”

I let out a groan of contempt, rolled onto my back, and opened one eye. He stood there, looming over me, not an ounce of pity on his face. “That was awful.” I panted out at him. “You do that every day?”

“Get up.” he said.

“But it’s nice down here.” I replied, patting the warm cement as though it was a velvet cushion atop  a chaise lounge. I was pretending that the parking lot I was laying in was a cool mountain stream, carrying me down river to a blissful basin with waterfalls and lily pads.

“Can you hear the trickle, Brett? Do you see the baby deer? I can’t feel my teeth.” I noted. “Do you think all the blood left my gums and my teeth are gonna drop out like roofing shingles in a big storm? You know, twice I year I dream that all of my teeth fall out. Do you get that? What do you think that means? I also have a reoccurring dream of playing Hide and Seek with some Redcoats but if they find me they stab me with their bayonets. I really hate that dream.” I told him. “We should go get ice-cream.” I added.

“Laura, that was the warm up.” he said pleasantly.

“WHAT!” I shouted. A jolt of adrenaline shot through my arms.

The kid went on to make me jog, sprint, and run bleachers. I really disliked him for that period of time. And runnin’ bleachers, well now that’ll make ya puke. 

So, what do you think comes after an intense workout following an extensive exercisacal dry spell? Yes. Extreme tightness, often in areas you didn’t know existed, like the squishy top side of your elbow or an area deep inside where your legs hook on. Even laughing hurts and I like to think I laugh so much that nearly no intentional ab-workout could make the slightest dent in wearing out my giggle muscles. But boy does it all hurt.

I waddled to Mom and Dad’s the next day and told Mom all about it. As an avid Apathetic Exerciser herself, Mom listened in horror. A look of distress contorted her feminine face. “But please Mom I need help! It all hurts so much. Mush me! Please mush me!” I said, offering her various limbs to squeeze and mash. The mushing didn’t help. In fact, it hurt. I thought long and hard about what I needed. What sensation could make it all better. And then it came to me.

A rolling pin. The perfect amount of mush pressure fluidity with an easy-to-use handle. 

“Roll me Mama!” I said.

I laid on my belly and braced myself. Somehow I just knew this would be great.

The first roll up my thigh made me scream with laughter. Mom stopped suddenly after my sharp inhale but when my hiccupy cackle followed, Mom too started to chuckle. With every roll of the pin I would howl with laughter and Mom would respond in kind. It felt so good but boy did it tickle. “Ma, you’ve gotta try this.” I said. I climbed up and Mom dutifully took my place. I rolled up the back of her leg. “Waaahoooo!!!” she shouted and we both laughed and laughed. “Do my back.” she said so I rolled the pin sideways across her shoulder blade. “Yaahwooo!!” she exclaimed. We were in hysterics. “Do me. Do me!” And we switched again. Back and forth until Dad came in.

“Dad! You have to try this!”

Dad very reluctantly laid on the ground. Mom and I waited with delighted anticipation. I hovered over him and finally rolled the pin up the back of his thigh. He had almost no reaction.  I did it again. “Isn’t it great?” I asked.

Dad did not enjoy the rolling pin like Mom and I did. He was surprisingly put off by the concept and very embarrassed that the two of us so casually sat upon each other and rolled out various body parts. He stated that he doesn’t want anyone to know we do this. So I imagine he’ll love to see this.

I even gave ole Budds a quick rolling and he groaned with delight, looking back at me silently when I would stop. I think we're on to something here. We thought of all sorts of people who would enjoy this. 

Hey Honbons, y'all were first on the list. Go on. Give it a try.