Twisty

It seems like the people around me are making big moves. Life trajectory altering moves. You know how you imagine your life in a straight line but rationally the unrealistic picture in your head should be a zig-zag because some choices change things right away and some things are the beginning of a slow curve down another little trail that doesn’t follow the path you’re already on? You know?

And then I thought, “Nothing’s bumped me off my path. Straight as an arrow. Smooth sailing, etc.” and I had this thought because I can’t imagine living any other life than the one I have. Had I accepted a cigarette in high school, would I have become a bossy butt-kicker with no regard for the law and if I was caught by the police spray painting a big middle finger on a dumpster would be found to have 'priors'? Or maybe I’d have tried the cigarette and gone, “Eww gross. That’s awful.” But either way, I have no interest in trying cigarettes so I must believe I would have never tried one and would have still moved on to a college where secondhand smoke blew from artsy mouths across my face day after day and I would still pass up my opportunity to smoke with them. And because of this, I’d graduate and wander off into the world with no sense of butt-kicking defiance and become nearly hysterical when pulled over for speeding. I don’t reckon I would have made any of the decisions I’ve made any differently from how I’ve made them therefore my ‘path’ would have always been my 'path'.

Ne’ertheless I still wonder things like, “Suppose I had really tried hard in college?”, “What would my life be like now if I had never had my heat stroke? Would I run a little flower farm or would I have moved somewhere tropical to give kayak tours? In that case I’d have a wonderful tan and probably lots of friend that drink light beer and live in tree houses. Would I have reached my full hippie potential?”

Things like that. I don't like that so many things hang on one measly decision. Makes for a twisty kind of life, full of questions that live down the street from Regret but not too close because according to my cigarette theory, you’d have never chosen to ignore your societal duties out of a fear of being a loser and therefore you would have never moved anywhere and gotten a really nice tan. So I thought about this and said, “Interesting decision making you’ve done, Lu.”

But actually my go-to tactic of never making decisions is precisely how I make decisions. If I don’t feel strongly enough about something, I just sit tight. Things change. Something will give and then I can react, not decide. Reacting is easier than deciding. As it turns out, I’m a real weenie. That’s my point. I’m a weenie and watching non-weenies make big moves makes weenies want to do something out of the ordinary of weenie behavior.

One might wonder why it's so hard for me to make decisions.  One might suggest a fear of regrets but I disagree. I spend more time wondering whether or not I have a regret than I do thinking about the one thing I might possibly be regretting. Indecision? Possibly. Haven’t decided. Indifference? Definitely.

So to recap we went from discussing non-weenie friends making big moves to musings about life paths to wondering about changing decisions to working out why we don’t like making decisions. Suppose, back there, when we were looking at life paths I had instead trailed off about a good guy from a good home that did one favor for a bad fella, got caught, went to jail, and then couldn’t get a decent job ever again. I’d have easily wound up writing a blog about this country’s destructive penal system and the lack of criminal rehabilitation compared to other nations. But you see, I got sidetracked thinking about me and my decision making. Makes for a twisty kind of blog post.

What do you think Buddy is regretting in this photo?