Sundays and Stubbornness

I realized early on that it was going to be way easier to get up on Sunday morning and go to brunch with Brett n’ Friends than it would be to go to church and sit with Jesus. Jesus doesn’t really say all that much and still manages to confuse me. I’d been on a church hiatus on account of hating small-talk, crowds, and people that hold your hands while they ask about your weekend. I preferred my own sort of church that I did alone, mostly because I’m shy and lazy.

Because of Brett, I started making myself go to church. I thought, “I’m going to lose this if I’m not careful.” so I had to take the tiny percentage of self-discipline that I have and put it towards a church commitment to counteract Eisenhauer's magnetic pull to the "We're going to grab coffee and head to the beach!" -style Sunday morning that feels so devious and wild. I immediately loved Pastor Steve. He’s my kind of speaker: funny, to the point, and slightly scary, like he means business and you should take things seriously. So Steve helped me stick to my guns and that’s when the devil stepped in. I had just started having panic attacks back at Bloom. I thought it was anxiety about my life and what to do with it because I was so restless and unhappy. I’d have a panic attack everyday at 1:30, which was my lunch break so sometimes I’d never get a chance to eat. I started to only feel safe at home, in my little creative space where life was full of color and potential. But then I’d have to go somewhere and I'd worry about having an attack and so doing any little task would make me panic. I got to where I couldn’t drive on the highway (in case of a spontaneous heart attack) and would go the long way around to North Charleston to pick up flowers. Driving to Mt. Pleasant, over that big suspension bridge, meant a cold sweat and dizziness and near hysteria. I found all of this frustrating because I’m way cooler than this. I like adventures. I've always loved driving and anyways, knowing what a panic attack is should be reason enough for it to go away. I started to have them in church too and would have to leave mid-sermon, convinced I was about to choke or faint or something unrealistic. I stopped wanting to go to church all together but Brett told me to stick with it because it’s important to me. One point for Wise-Eise.

Around this time my boss went on maternity leave and I was left to tend to the floral shop and that’s when I was let loose to “reach my potential” (Adults love that phrase). It was in this time wedge that I was able to actually fill my workday, instead of finishing up at 2:00 and standing around until it was time to close. I could handle way more work than I was being given and after that, well I just couldn’t be a shop flunky anymore, waiting around and panicking all day. That’s when God gave me the bright idea of working for myself. This had to be God’s idea because I’d have never given myself that much credit or signed up for anything that had too much responsibility in the description. Not once had I thought of being a business owner and I certainly would have never wanted to take on the vulnerability of having to perform a task for a client and hoping they come out happy, but God made me think it was a good idea and he made the start up really easy and before I really processed it, I was out of Bloom, sleeping in, and “running a business”.

Here’s where it gets good because I was immediately happy. Not panic-free or comfortable with any of the newness but I had time for my dreamy thoughts and story writing and colorful ideas that before, were being smothered out by the demands of The Man. A happier Lu meant a chattier, bouncier Lu and I harassed Brett with my thoughts on God and life and we had lots of good talks but he also asked me lots of big questions that I didn’t have answers for. That’s when I started to use my lazy mornings for quiet time with God, reading and studying and saying the most convoluted prayers. Sometimes I think God has to stop and take a deep breath when he first hears me say “Well good morning God!” 

My quiet time, which almost immediately felt like coffee with an old friend, changed everything. I had a bride recommend a devotional book for my restlessness and sweet Laurie Hon gave me one full of insightful thoughts. I read both of these in my little white chair over a couple of mornings and everything I “knew” about God suddenly came to life, like a flat drawing abruptly standing up off of the page. What peace and excitement it gave me.

But it ain’t all happy because that “Aha!” moment and the giddiness that followed only lasted about ten days before God politely closed the door to that party and told me I was going to have to work harder if I wanted to hang out there. “You can’t sit with us." It’s a great challenge though because sometimes I can get God to crack the door a little just to let me hear the music, keep me motivated.

I've been thinking about this 2-3 year progression; all the little moves God made to line me up, how long and awful it felt without realizing that it was adding up to something. God gave me someone I’d adore to challenge what I thought, knowing I’m stubborn enough to try to prove him wrong and then he gave me this business to give me time. I wanted the time for me but God gave me the time for him, because I’d have never given a quiet time a chance when I was so resentful and determined to use my few free hours for my own happiness.

So you see, in a roundabout way, Brett got me back into the church. I sure like this thought. Brett still has lots of big questions as he likes lots of research and evidence for the things that he’ll stand behind and God prefers that whole "faith" notion over hard facts. Brett does like Pastor Steve a lot though and he gives the hymns a nice remix that only I get to hear. For Christmas he signed me up for a subscription to a company that sends me a new devotional book (and other goodies) by mail every month. He's interested in these educational type things on the subject so I'm hoping for a few that focus on intellectual notions over emotional ones for future chats on the subject.

But you know, you can't rush God's plan.