Alright, Here's My Problem

I will accompany today’s morose post with happy pictures of my welcome home Dock Time. This is because A) I have no other photos at this time and B) it will help mask just how depressed I am.

Also, I should inform you folks that Ellen and Chris have bought a new house in West Ashley and I have taken over their old place. Yes Georgie, I’ll have photos soon.

So, here’s my problem,

I don’t want to be here. I realized it the minute we crossed into Downtown from the interstate. I looked at the familiar sight and very suddenly felt... forlorn. “You’re just tired.” I told myself, “You’ve had a big, spacious adventure and you don’t want it to be over.”

I had an interview scheduled with a woman in Mt. Pleasant the very next morning. I couldn’t have known, but it was way too soon for this. I hadn’t been home twelve hours before I was discussing hours and wages and things that have to get done verses things that need to get done. While she dug through file cabinets, I looked around this woman’s office and imagined being in there for seven hours everyday and I just lost hope entirely. I felt my posture slacken and I stopped pretending that the sleeves on my nice blouse weren’t driving me crazy. She prattled on about how she likes things organized while I cuffed my sleeves and thought about all the open space I’d just driven through. 

I didn’t care about this job.

I’m very tired of pointless gigs and I’m even more tired of trying to come up with something to pursue. I thought that taking over Ellen’s place would force me to shut up and get in line like I’m supposed to. I can’t afford to be silly, carefree Laura if I have a mortgage to pay and so I wasted no time trying to get a real job as soon as possible. But y’all, I can’t do it.  

I now spend my evenings sifting through Craigslist ads for waitresses and store clerks. I can’t bring myself to respond to them because I keep hoping that waiting one more day will be all I need to find something else to do. I don’t know what exactly. Anything else.

To help ignore my job woes I’ve been repainting Ellen’s old place during the day, getting it ready for my big move. While sweet Mom hops up every morning, ready to go over and help me, I don’t want to go over there. I get anxious when she asks me where I’ll put things or what color I want this wall because I don’t care and I should care. It should be exciting but it just seems awfully lonely in there. I feel sort of sick when I think about it.

I feel like a fella whose long-time girlfriend finally gives him a marriage ultimatum so he agrees to it because it seems like the right thing to do. It’s what everyone expects from him and it’s easiest to just go along with it but he knows his heart’s not entirely in it and he longs for new adventures, not settling down. Charleston is my sweet, beautiful fiancé. She’s too good to break-up with but I’m not completely happy.

The best distraction from all of this would be friends. On account of a cheating fiancé resulting in a side-picking friendship split, I have but two male friends and I have to monitor how much time I spend with them so they don’t get the wrong idea.

I'm kind of getting the feeling there is nothing here for me. I love this place and I have my sweet folks but it’s all sensationally lonely. I don't know where I want to be but right now but I don't think it's here. Maybe ole Budds and I should just be vagabonds. Eh, he's probably too high maintenance.