The End-ish

Last week I wrote the following post:

"As you can see, the life of my blog space has been slowly dwindling. This last year of “blogging” has been like dragging a dead carcass through a forest but I kept at it because you just don’t leave behind someone you love. You know?

I love my blog space. While I’ve always been opposed to being a part of the blogging trend I’ve written countless, inconsequential streams of consciousness here over the past five years. When I started all of this I never figured it would last this long but even more surprising is what I’ve gained from it. I never knew I liked writing. Until the birth of Awe Geez I’d only ever written school papers on lifeless subjects so far removed from anything I deemed important to the trajectory of my life. I also wrote countless letters to Ari and those I loved to write and seal up with stickers and slip into her mailbox before I left for school in the morning. Ari always wrote back and I have every letter Ari has ever written me in a little red Royal Mail box she sent me from her first semester of college in Scotland. At the time it was filled with specialty chocolates and postcards. Ari has all of my letters in one drawer of her big wooden desk. Ari and I have the most wonderful love story.

Here I am off topic again.

Oh yes. I never expected to find my most favorite of hobbies after starting this blog and I never expected my photos to be delighted by so many people, giving me enough confidence to agree to paying gigs, no matter how small.

This brings me to a few points. The most important and the most exciting is that I have been accepted into a wedding photographers workshop here in Charleston in January. I wrote an expectantly long-winded letter and put together a mortifying website and have already been exceedingly lovingly embraced by not one but five local wedding photographers who have put together this workshop partially to teach and partially to interview second shooters to keep on hand for the busy wedding seasons. I’m very nervous and I’m very excited. But mostly I’m nervous.

My second point is much less rousing. My dwindling number of blog posts is due in part to reluctantly working the hours of 9-5 and being tired when I come home but more so it is because I have been writing other things. Longer, non-blog worthy, moody and or personal and or controversial things. I like to keep my blog simple. No feelings (beyond rage) no political debates or thoughts on the world. Nothing that would make me appear intellectual. I like this blog to be overall a happy, inconsequential thing. Much like myself.

Now, as I’ve pushed Awe Geez to the back burner in favor of verbose rants and reflective questions, I have a gaggle of Word Documents just sitting and I’ve decided to refine and compile them all into a book of my own writings. Will it ever be a tangible thing that my own sweet mama can hold in her hands? I don’t know. I don’t like to think about that. But I do want to have a copy of my thoughts, my twenty-something year old view of the world. When I’m sixty I’ll read over it and chuckle at my own naivety and smile softly at the things I had right all along.

This leads me to point three. I think it’s time for an official blogging hiatus. I’d call it the end all together but I wouldn’t really mean it. I’m finding it difficult to keep up with work, Laura projects, friends, and Laura hobbies. In some ways, I’ve let go of a lot of things because I just don’t have time for them and while that’s a fact of life, I can feel my mentality changing and the things that have always made me Laura seem like luxuries only for rare moments or special occasions. My thoughts used to be so creative and grandiose and I spent so much time researching little facets of life and cultures and ideas and it gave me so much to say and think about and I found it all very fulfilling. My thinking has flat-lined and I don’t want to live like that.

But more importantly, I hate to not do a good job on something. I can’t put my name on rushed and inconsistent writings and still feel good about it. Or, even more embarrassing is being cringe-worthy clinger, reluctant to let go of something when it is clearly time. 

I think it’s time.

That being said, I’m really excited about what I’ve been writing and just finished a long chapter on Ellen and I being forced to sing in our church choir so that Mom and Dad would appear to be good, Christianly parents. I wrote of the absurdity of the annual Christmas plays, 

“ … as I was too young and shy for a speaking role, I stood as a member of the background singers, wearing a bedazzled pillowcase and bobbing my head on cue with the music. I was embarrassed by the whole ordeal but particularly my costume, finding the pillowcase to be too short for comfort and only highlighting that fact that I had legs like PVC piping.”

And the reluctance we felt towards putting forth effort on such foolish occasions. 

“… and when her animated character faints from excitement, Ellen simply stopped speaking and slowly laid down on stage.” 

I later spoke of the hellacious “Girls Weekend” retreat Mom forced me to attended where a gaggle of giggling girls held my hands and happy cried and learned why we should never have sex, ever. I've never been the same. If you'd like to read the story, tell me and I'll send it to you. I'd love thoughts and feedback and to raise awareness of the emotional abuse I carry with me everyday. 

So then, until I come up with something great that I can sell for millions and then retire, I'll be here at the beach, furiously scribbling notes, wrapping bridal bouquets, and dreaming of far off places. Ari and I are thinking Machu Picchu this summer..."
                                                                   ...

This week, I told Dad I was preparing to 'publish' my farewell blog post and he was outraged and made me feel guilty and sad.
"Do you know how many people love that blog?" he asked rhetorically.

Instead he assured me that it was ok to not post so often and that my posts about nothing are still something to read. We decided on a bi-monthly update until I organize myself and feel fulfilled in my thinking and being. (Actually, Dad doesn't understand what I think about so much nor does he really get the idea of just being. That part was my decision). And then MAYBE I can get back to posting so often that it takes up all of my time and I'll just write posts about writing posts.

So now my point is to officially note a structure shift here on my blog space. Basically I'll do next year what I did this year except next year I'll post sparingly on purpose.

That said, please enjoy the T-shirt Ellen bought Dad for Christmas. He wore it only to upset Mom and then tried desperately to hide it from my camera for fear I would put it on the blog. Ellen and Ari had to pry his arms open.

I wish you all happy 2016! I hope it's really something.