Help

By Brett EisenEars

Guest Columnist

“Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has turned on the Fasten Seat Belt sign. If you haven’t already done so, please stow your carry-on luggage underneath the seat in front of you or in an overhead bin. Please take your seat and fasten your seat belt. And also make sure your seat back and folding trays are in their full upright position..."

This won't be the usual ride. Laura Union is MIA, so to speak. But so far her plants have survived, which is what really matters, right?

Today you will be blessed by the insight of the first-time guest columnist (don't worry about my last name - it's not important). I am here to tell you the dark side of the Unions - the real side. I am the indentured servant to the Unions due to a series of unfortunate events involving the tailgate of Laura's 4Runner and a 21-foot "I-beam" - not to mention too many family dinners and a 95 lbs jerk named Buddy (As I type I am being harassed by the fetid creature). I have found myself stuck in indentured servitude for the foreseeable future. But so it goes...

"...If you are seated next to an emergency exit, please read carefully the special instructions card located by your seat. If you do not wish to perform the functions described in the event of an emergency, please ask a flight attendant to reseat you..."

My employers are out of town, basking in the indulgences of Mother Russia. It seems a good time to expose them for what they really are, slave drivers of the worst kind. This “All-American” family puts on a very convincing show with good conservative values, a strong work ethic, and a riotous and lawless dog. But there is a darker side, one that no one else gets to observe. I hope there is enough space between them and me to provide an adequate get-away before they can cancel their plans and show up on my doorstep. If you never hear from me again, heed my warning: Keep your distance!!!!

"...We remind you that this is a non-smoking flight. Smoking is prohibited on the entire aircraft, including the lavatories. Tampering with, disabling or destroying the lavatory smoke detectors is prohibited by law. If you have any questions about our flight today, please don’t hesitate to ask one of our flight attendants. Thank you...”

Nancy Union

This carefree spirit dances like theres no tomorrow - except only in the safety of a known audience and only for a minute at a time. She’s the primary source of the tasks I am asked to carry out. She favors the bullwhip and a chair when monitoring my progress on any of her arduous requests. “Brettie, can you pick this up for me?” Brettie, please take care of my Bobo.” “Brettie, can you please re-shingle the roof?” “Brettie, that's not good enough, redo it.”

 

Nancy knows both Shaolin and Tai Chi Quan Kung Fu, but neither cuisines. She's often seen yelling out of her window at kids or Ohioans. She was once asked to resign from the Ghost Tours for disorderly conduct.
  
She looks innocent. Don’t believe her lies.  

3 good qualities: Wonderful smile, Task oriented, Orange Chicken.

Weaknesses: No upper body strength. No lower body strength. Not particularly fast.

Chris Union

Mr. Chris. Where to start. He isn’t much of a worker; a real lazy freeloader, if you ask me. In fact, I haven’t seen him anywhere but on the couch. This doesn't mean he is asleep or indifferent to the world. You must watch out for him. He’s constantly thinking up ways to entrap me further into indentured servitude. He’s shifty. “Brett, why don’t you come over for dinner? We won’t ask you to do anything this time. I promise.” Yeah, right. I’ve fallen for that 14 times.  

3 good qualities: Once had a powerful mustache. Evil laugh. Negotiating skills - he’s the one that negotiated my servitude.

Weaknesses: Driver awareness, work ethic, lack of mustache.

"...Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign. We are now crossing a zone of turbulence. Please return your seats and keep your seat belts fastened. Thank you..."

Ellen Union

Ellen Union is the sweetest Union. She has always gone out of her way to make sure I feel welcome… while I am slaving away. Her presence is a De-light, though! She is my reprieve from the two parents, the only Union to really treat me with the dignity and respect deserved by any living creature. The last time I was allowed my usual timed 2-minute break from one of Nancy’s latest tasks - digging new footings for the house upgrade - Ellen snuck gatorade and crackers for sustenance to me when the task-master wasn’t looking. I am forever grateful to her.

3 good qualities: Kindness, sunny disposition. Carefree attitude.

Weaknesses: Is sometimes too kind. Doesn’t know when to be stern with someone.

Laura Union

Boy is she bossy - she combines the worst qualities of both parents into one. She constantly orders me around AND thinks up conniving new ways to entrap me further in this Union scheme. I must admit that her beauty is enchanting and I am powerless to stand up against her. Though her math doesn’t always add up - I know she’s the reason I’m trapped on a permanent basis. 

Then there are the times when she is simply neglecting me. I literally have to ask permission to be in her presence and only then I am allowed 20 minutes (5 of which I am allowed to talk). But its all worth it.   

3 good qualities: Only three?  

Weaknesses: Instructions, Word Puzzles, Scheduling appointments for the right day.

"...Ladies & Gentlemen, we're now approaching Charleston where the local time is 11:00pm. At this time please return to your seat with your seat belt firmly fastened. Personal television screens, footrests and seat tables must be stowed away and all hand luggage stored either in the overhead lockers or under the seat in front. Please ensure all electronic devices including laptop computers and computer games are turned off. And thank you for choosing Ignited Airways, if you think you hate us now, wait till you land!"

And if you don't think this lie is true, ask the blind man.. he saw it too.