You know how sometimes nostalgia gets a tight grip on your little heartstrings and makes you want to go back in time, just for a few hours, to get that cozy feeling you had back when you'd hole up in your bedroom writing broody teenage letters to no one while Dad was downstairs simmering onions in olive oil and the smelled filled up the whole house? You know? I was waiting at a red light and a college girl crossed in front of me wearing the same kinds of Laura-clothes I wore in college and she looked equally bored and content which is a facial expression I wear most days, so then I overlaid my life onto that girl and wondered where she had come from and if she likes it here and if she misses the smell of her parents cooking supper downstairs.
The whole thing took me back to high school and I could feel those feelings again; that complete boredom but with the hopeful anticipation of it all ending soon and you'll be set loose in the world. My plans were to go work on a farm in France, if you recall, so I was enduring the pettiness of small-town SC until I could take my true position as a global citizen of a wild and exotic world.
I enjoy thinking about the things I thought as an angsty teenager. I like teenage me. She was so stubborn and hopeful. She still is and I standby most of the things I thought back then. What a ruckus it all is. I've got the nostalgic feels lately on account of moving into a new life phase, but a real one, not one only noted by the boundaries of aging another year. My quarter-century of oppressive school rules and the yearning for global exploration has ended and I've moved into a new stage of really wanting to be home and comfortable. Teenage Lu would despise me for saying so.
I look forward to breakfast. And dinner. I like grocery shopping and reading in the daytime which has always been an indulgence I never dared allow myself. I love that giddy feeling your house has after you deep clean it before friends come over. Teenage Lu thought people like this had given up and had allowed themselves to believe the lies of society and succumbed to tradition without asking questions first. Teenage Lu would look at me and feel sad about all the life she was going to miss.
But teenage Lu couldn't have imagined how exhausting it is to maintain your existence, and after twenty-fiveish years you're just too pooped to keep scheming. She was also unaware that she'd develop crippling anxiety that makes pumping gas as scary and exhilarating as a three day hike in Patagonia.
Now don't go worrying that I've lost my sense of adventure. My global bucket list is still lengthy. Spontaneity still delights me and Brett and I go on wild adult adventures, hooking up the trailer late at night and stealing away with roadside finds. We've struck gold on our Midnight Raids and I know teenage Lu would happily ride in the backseat offering blasting cackles as her approval.
But something does shift at some point and I think it's due to freedom. Teens ain't got no freedom, so looking down on folks that aren't utilizing it certainly makes sense. Once you get your young adult freedom and live with awhile, things don't feel so urgent.
Or luxurious for that matter. Remember what a treat is was to get to go outside during science class? Poor little academic prisoners. When you're finally allowed to go outside unmonitored, you feel less inclined to flee the country in search of alone time. See how that works.
I get lots of unmonitored alone time both indoors and out. I'm allowed to plan travel adventures when it suits our schedules and no one is grading my productivity. This is really all Teenage Lu wanted in the first place. So what would she have done with these luxuries?
I'll tell you ... because I am her. She would continue to cherish adventures and day dreams. She will encourage people to stick it to The Man. She'll love impromptu escapades with her sidekicks (husband and dogs) and delight her friends with stories from a wild life filled with debilitating anxiety. But in her late-twenties she'll also move into a stage of cherishing comfort and safety. She likes visually appealing spaces to rest and eat. As she ages and her joints creak a little more and she doesn't bounce back as quickly from unplanned dance performances, she values a comfortable bed to sleep on. She wants to try wacky recipes and read about other people's life experiences because life is interesting and complex to her. She'll also start a garden because she'll grow into a deep fondness for nature and plants and she likes the idea of being surrounding by things so wild and free.
She'll also develop a seething distain for tourists and traffic, as they encroach on her ability to be wild and free. She may have to move to the country. Actually, she becomes a lot more short-fused than she used to be because she has a code of ethics and basic human manners-rights that she believes everyone should abide by.
Teenage Lu will have her restlessness satiated and it will change everything.
She'll become a lot more opinionated and grumpy.
No comments:
Post a Comment