The End-ish

Last week I wrote the following post:

"As you can see, the life of my blog space has been slowly dwindling. This last year of “blogging” has been like dragging a dead carcass through a forest but I kept at it because you just don’t leave behind someone you love. You know?

I love my blog space. While I’ve always been opposed to being a part of the blogging trend I’ve written countless, inconsequential streams of consciousness here over the past five years. When I started all of this I never figured it would last this long but even more surprising is what I’ve gained from it. I never knew I liked writing. Until the birth of Awe Geez I’d only ever written school papers on lifeless subjects so far removed from anything I deemed important to the trajectory of my life. I also wrote countless letters to Ari and those I loved to write and seal up with stickers and slip into her mailbox before I left for school in the morning. Ari always wrote back and I have every letter Ari has ever written me in a little red Royal Mail box she sent me from her first semester of college in Scotland. At the time it was filled with specialty chocolates and postcards. Ari has all of my letters in one drawer of her big wooden desk. Ari and I have the most wonderful love story.

Here I am off topic again.

Oh yes. I never expected to find my most favorite of hobbies after starting this blog and I never expected my photos to be delighted by so many people, giving me enough confidence to agree to paying gigs, no matter how small.

This brings me to a few points. The most important and the most exciting is that I have been accepted into a wedding photographers workshop here in Charleston in January. I wrote an expectantly long-winded letter and put together a mortifying website and have already been exceedingly lovingly embraced by not one but five local wedding photographers who have put together this workshop partially to teach and partially to interview second shooters to keep on hand for the busy wedding seasons. I’m very nervous and I’m very excited. But mostly I’m nervous.

My second point is much less rousing. My dwindling number of blog posts is due in part to reluctantly working the hours of 9-5 and being tired when I come home but more so it is because I have been writing other things. Longer, non-blog worthy, moody and or personal and or controversial things. I like to keep my blog simple. No feelings (beyond rage) no political debates or thoughts on the world. Nothing that would make me appear intellectual. I like this blog to be overall a happy, inconsequential thing. Much like myself.

Now, as I’ve pushed Awe Geez to the back burner in favor of verbose rants and reflective questions, I have a gaggle of Word Documents just sitting and I’ve decided to refine and compile them all into a book of my own writings. Will it ever be a tangible thing that my own sweet mama can hold in her hands? I don’t know. I don’t like to think about that. But I do want to have a copy of my thoughts, my twenty-something year old view of the world. When I’m sixty I’ll read over it and chuckle at my own naivety and smile softly at the things I had right all along.

This leads me to point three. I think it’s time for an official blogging hiatus. I’d call it the end all together but I wouldn’t really mean it. I’m finding it difficult to keep up with work, Laura projects, friends, and Laura hobbies. In some ways, I’ve let go of a lot of things because I just don’t have time for them and while that’s a fact of life, I can feel my mentality changing and the things that have always made me Laura seem like luxuries only for rare moments or special occasions. My thoughts used to be so creative and grandiose and I spent so much time researching little facets of life and cultures and ideas and it gave me so much to say and think about and I found it all very fulfilling. My thinking has flat-lined and I don’t want to live like that.

But more importantly, I hate to not do a good job on something. I can’t put my name on rushed and inconsistent writings and still feel good about it. Or, even more embarrassing is being cringe-worthy clinger, reluctant to let go of something when it is clearly time. 

I think it’s time.

That being said, I’m really excited about what I’ve been writing and just finished a long chapter on Ellen and I being forced to sing in our church choir so that Mom and Dad would appear to be good, Christianly parents. I wrote of the absurdity of the annual Christmas plays, 

“ … as I was too young and shy for a speaking role, I stood as a member of the background singers, wearing a bedazzled pillowcase and bobbing my head on cue with the music. I was embarrassed by the whole ordeal but particularly my costume, finding the pillowcase to be too short for comfort and only highlighting that fact that I had legs like PVC piping.”

And the reluctance we felt towards putting forth effort on such foolish occasions. 

“… and when her animated character faints from excitement, Ellen simply stopped speaking and slowly laid down on stage.” 

I later spoke of the hellacious “Girls Weekend” retreat Mom forced me to attended where a gaggle of giggling girls held my hands and happy cried and learned why we should never have sex, ever. I've never been the same. If you'd like to read the story, tell me and I'll send it to you. I'd love thoughts and feedback and to raise awareness of the emotional abuse I carry with me everyday. 

So then, until I come up with something great that I can sell for millions and then retire, I'll be here at the beach, furiously scribbling notes, wrapping bridal bouquets, and dreaming of far off places. Ari and I are thinking Machu Picchu this summer..."
                                                                   ...

This week, I told Dad I was preparing to 'publish' my farewell blog post and he was outraged and made me feel guilty and sad.
"Do you know how many people love that blog?" he asked rhetorically.

Instead he assured me that it was ok to not post so often and that my posts about nothing are still something to read. We decided on a bi-monthly update until I organize myself and feel fulfilled in my thinking and being. (Actually, Dad doesn't understand what I think about so much nor does he really get the idea of just being. That part was my decision). And then MAYBE I can get back to posting so often that it takes up all of my time and I'll just write posts about writing posts.

So now my point is to officially note a structure shift here on my blog space. Basically I'll do next year what I did this year except next year I'll post sparingly on purpose.

That said, please enjoy the T-shirt Ellen bought Dad for Christmas. He wore it only to upset Mom and then tried desperately to hide it from my camera for fear I would put it on the blog. Ellen and Ari had to pry his arms open.

I wish you all happy 2016! I hope it's really something.

Christmas '15 in Photos

This year, I had the strangest and least Christmasy Christmas ever. In fact, there was little sensation of Christmas and rather life carried on as though it was any other weekend.
In an odd turn, mortality became the theme of my Christmas, all a few steps removed from me but causing much disruption and sending my thoughts other places than home and family and Jesus.
I went to work, hung out with friends, and thought about well, pain actually. Not so much mine but pain as an inextinguishable concept. How's that for Merry Christmas?

So to add merriment to this post and my memory of Christmas '15, here are photos of Mattie, Ari, and Brett time, a dog park trip, an adventure to a new hiking trail, a baby turtle we found, lovely flowers, the banjo I now call my own, and the whole idea and fact that Ari and I went to the beach for a long walk, icy margaritas, and then an afternoon laying in the sun in late December.

What I've Been Doing

I’ve been working on lots of side projects. Additionally, I’ve embarked on a self-instated coffee shop tour of Charleston and discovered a place that serves Mexican Hot Chocolate which is hot chocolate with a touch of cayenne pepper and boy is it tasty! I’ve been spending too much money on Christmas presents (and coffee) and have taken up drinking hot tea as often as possible. I bought this box of wacky flavored teas (hibiscus, coconut masala, Lapacho apple, etc) and have become so obsessed that I look forward to coming home and boiling water.

I have been exercising in a minuscule fashion via light jogging and doggy dates. I ran my first marathonish thing and Buddy drags me around faster than I care to run and then I get side cramps and then I get angry and then Buddy gets yelled at. Neither of us really come out on top when we exercise together.

More importantly I have finally started climbing like I’ve been saying I would do for two years now. I loved heights and climbing trees as a little one and I’ve been wanting to go to a climbing gym for ages to see if I’m still as limber and strong as I once was. I sure am not but I like the challenge. It’s exhausting and a little scary and so many things about it are unexpected once your feet leave the ground. So much of it relies on your grip which seems obvious but several times I’ve had to stop not because I was too high or it was too hard a path but because my hands just can’t hold on any more. Wearing a harness does not make me feel anymore safe or daring. Watching from the ground, you see people get to tough spots and you think “Oh just lunge for it. You wont fall.” but when you’re up there dangling by your index finger, lunging seems very foolish and your body simply won’t let you try. It’s a mind sport a little. You have to outwit your sensibilities and climb higher and higher even though your brain says, “Why are you doing this? It’s dangerous and there’s nothing at the top of the wall.” 

The first time I climbed I went just twenty-five feet up and was alarmed by how quickly my forearms had become tired and I looked up at the rest of the wall and thought “My arms will never make it.”

I hung there a while, wanting to go further but knowing I couldn’t and I realized I’ve never been there before. I’ve never really been challenged before. That was a big moment which set forth lots of big thinking.

I went back to work for Boone Hall for a day. Last Sunday was their annual Wine Under The Oaks Festival and I stood behind a wooden table selling gift baskets and giving out samples of various fruit jellies. My thrill is not in the jars of jam or decorative baskets but rather, it was seeing my sweet Boone Hall family. I love them all so much. I don’t know why I don’t go visit more. I stole these photos from Carlos’ Facebook page and boy do they make me smile.

Last week at work I attended a meeting regarding 401K options. I giggled several times during the meeting because it all felt so adulty and I my inner consciousness was speaking like a valley girl. “Like, what do you mean it’s like, portable?” 

I sneered at the information booklets filled with charts, both pie and regular, and poured myself some water from the glass pitcher in the center of the table as though the tough thinking about finances had made me thirsty. My amusement at attending a business meeting ended abruptly when they said I’d be retiring somewhere near 2060. Pardon? Let me type it out for you. Two thousand and sixty. I will be eighty five. I was sort of hoping to the kick the bucket a little closer to seventy. Am I going to work my whole life and then just die? How is everybody so calm about this? That’s a lot of crappin’ years to be mentally numb and sleepy and I really hate getting up in the morning. After that statement they lost me completely and I only imagined standing in the flower shop for forty-five more years and I almost quit my job right then.

In regards to my job that I should not quit because I have to work and it’s a swanky place to be while I wait forty five years to die, they have this program where they let all employees stay at the hotel for a night after they have completed all training courses and evaluations. With this comes a free dinner in The Grill and breakfast the next morning. The Monday after Thanksgiving was my day and Mom and I checked in to the hotel about 5 o’clock. The bellboys who tease and harass me everyday laid it on thick with my sweet mama and then we dashed up to our room to get ready for our big meal. My fellow associates greeted me as though I don’t work there and sat us at a table for two underneath the Christmas wreaths I had hung just three days earlier. I was delighted to receive a beautiful flower arrangement shortly after arriving. They put it down on our table and I read the card. It was from the two women I work with, wishing me a happy Guest for a Night. 

“That’s sweet of them.” I said to Mom, admiring the colors on the petals. And then I realized suddenly that I had made that very arrangement just before Thanksgiving and put it in our cooler in case we got busy and needed something on the fly. Mom thought this was hilarious however I felt slightly cheated. Nevertheless we had an outstanding dinner, were catered to like celebrities, and waddled out of there like penguins.

I took mom on a quick tour of the hotel, to areas that ‘civilians’ don’t get to visit and by 8:30 she was in bed reading magazines and just as happy as a clam. I spent the rest of my night in the lobby with my bellboy and front desk friends because I just couldn’t go to bed that early. Mom and I were still full when we woke up the next morning but we dutifully sat in the Café and were served coffee and the largest platter of fruit you could imagine. We could hardly eat our breakfast but all of my work friends came by and met Mom and seemed so excited for us that we hardly noticed that it was time for Mom to get going and me to go clock in. 

“You have to work today?” everyone said with outrage. Normally folks get the next day off so they can sleep in and enjoy the pool and/or spa but because there are only three people in the floral department, workers just can’t be spared sometimes. It was a great little thing to get to do but I hated being served by fellow workers. It just didn’t feel right somehow but Mom really charmed everybody and they didn’t seem to mind.

So you see, Christmas prep, friend visits, and mulling over my next fifty years is keeping me busy. You know how I like mulling. Though suddenly it all feels more urgent than it used to.  I fall off of Dad’s health insurance plan in June so I have to get my own. I’ve got to come up with something quick!

Like A Secretary Only More Important

I thought this was the cutest thing.
This is 8 year old, Danny Dutton's answer to his homework assignment that asked him to explain God.

"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth.  He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off.  God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.

Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church. Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.

His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did.  And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary only more important. You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the times.

You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.

If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can.  It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.  But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.

And that's why I believe in God."