Two Saturdays ago, Big Mama and I ventured up to Ohio to go to Parvaneh's wedding. Parvaneh is my college bully friend and her new husband is from Ohio. If I wasn't living in Charleston, I might think nothing of one marring someone from that particular state. But I do live in Charleston and it's become overrun by Ohioans. So I'm required to be a bit annoyed by that state. Mom and I felt a bit funny about going to... to... Ohio.
As Brett prepares for his test, Mama came as my plus one and we stayed in an exciting hotel, visited the zoo, and quietly mused and giggled. Like we do. As it turns out, Cincinnati is a nice place and I really tried to hate it. Sure, it's a city and I don't love cities but they get an A+ for parks and green space as well as a lovely mixture of grassland and forest. You can see little mountains in the distance. We were also treated with the perfect mid-70's weather which only served to confuse us about the state's ongoing mass exodus.
"I don't get it." Mom said. "It's nice here." We concluded that it must be the cold, grey winters that send folks south with all their worldly goods. Forever.
On Friday morning we set out for the Cincinnati Zoo and I tell you what, that's a great place. There were happy critters and plants everywhere you turned. We also encountered more babies than we've ever seen in one place. Hundreds of tikes, the under 3 crowd mostly, which would explain why none of them were in school that day. Shrieks and wails and meltdowns filled the zoo. Mom even gave an intentional glare of disgust to a couple that was egging on their obnoxious child. I like when she does that. We spent four or five hours wandering the zoo and came back to our tightly tucked hotel beds for naps before the Welcome Reception.
On this trip, I was pleased with my professional packing job. I frequently brag about my ability to pack a suitcase but I really outdid myself. I made Mom watch me convert my zoo outfit into my evening wear. Having learned directly from her, Mom performed a similar feat and we were ready to go in two minutes. "Watch this." we both said to each other and then we tucked and shimmied our clothes, struck the same pose, and laughed at each other. Isn't she a jewel?
At the welcome reception we ran into Jared right away. He bounded over and gave us tight, painful hugs and then asked all about the family. Sean stood next to Jared confirming or denying the many exaggerations in Jared's tales. Sean has wonderful manners and tries his hardest not to laugh when one should not laugh but if he catches you enjoying it, hiccupy gasps escape his lips and he hides his face in his hands. Jared is an endless chasm of inappropriate laughter and I wonder how Sean makes it through a day.
Parvaneh eventually made her rounds over to us and just as she always has when she sees me, Parv skips the pleasantries of a formal greeting and launched righted into the mid-point of her current woes.
"Laura! My sister said it again! About the dresses?!"
"Hello Parv! It's so nice to see you? How are you feeling?"
"I can't believe it! You know she said that to get a final shot in."
"Good good. Yep. Married life is great, thanks! Brett is sorry he couldn't make it."
"You remember Corey? Guess who he is dating?"
At the party, I'd meet someone new and then introduce them to Mom. "This is my sweet Mama!" I'd say with pride and folks would chuckle. Mom easily won over the crowd and fired shots back at Jared and kept up with the juicy gossip. She maintained her popular girl status that next day at the wedding and was the only "old person" on the dance floor long after the music went from the classic, romantic melodies to the synthetic sounds of today's vacuous club music. We mingled and met some new friends and Mom asked one young fella if she could feel his hair. It was so thick and dark. He politely obliged so I felt his hair too.
On wedding day, Mom and I slept in, ate a hearty breakfast and wandered downtown Cincinnati. Mom was dismayed to find no crap or trinket shops, though we noticed a lack of shopping options all together which made Mom take points away. We wandered to the waterfront, did some people watching, and then came back for naps. While I slept, she watched Animal Planet and ate a salad in bed. Isn't she a jewel? We impressed each other again with our wedding-wear transformations and headed down to the lobby to catch the bus to the wedding.
Once onsite, Mom and I and Sean and the guy with good hair all sat in a row in the ceremony chairs while everyone else milled around making small talk. I became fixated on a touch of wedding decor that wasn't sitting right but Sean wouldn't let me go fix it. The wedding began with Matt and his Mom walking out to Darth Vader's Theme song and from there, an extremely creative and personalized wedding ceremony took place. I appreciated Parv and Matt's use of humor throughout their vows and felt a bit like I was also at a show.
Parv and Jared killing time pre-ceremony.
It was as the crowd moved from the ceremony site to the cocktail hour that I noticed this guest and her outfit of choice and I just couldn't get enough of her the whole night.
Moving on, we shared a tasty meal, heard some sweet speeches, and watched as guests enjoyed the mini-putt putt course that had been installed in the reception space. (Parv and Matt played putt-putt on their first date.) As usual, Mom stalked the wedding cake and demanded a slice as soon as she finished her meal.
"When are they cutting the cake?" she asked with distain. When she noticed a vendor enjoying a slice, she sent me and Jared to find out "what was going on". We found the cake, grabbed several plates of it and before we could even get back to the table, Mom had set out in search of us in search of cake. While every wedding guest gathered to watch the first dance, Mom chose instead to sit in the abandoned dining room and eat cake.
Mom and Jared dazzle the crowd.
Once the good tunes began, Mom pushed back her cake plate and headed to the dance floor. She bent her arms at the elbows, bit her bottom lip, and the rest of the night is a blur of toe-tapping and neon lights. The collections of aunts and grandparents long left the dance floor but not Nanny U. Hours into the celebration when Matt's Ultimate-Frisbee team took to the dance floor with violent, spastic movements, Mom could still be found bobbing energetically to songs she's never heard.
When the party was over, the remaining out of town guests gathered again on our shuttle bus for the ride back to the hotel. Moments before climbing onto the bus, I met a tall, 26 year old Asian fella named Tristan who was struggling to tie his necktie. I intervened and he yapped at me about trees while I worked his tie around my neck. I handed it back to him and he followed me to the bus talking so earnestly about the things he enjoys. I climbed aboard, saw Mom and said, "That's my Mama." and as I prepared to sit down, Tristan said, "That's your Mom? Can I sit with her?"
Mom and I exchanged a confused and amused glance and I sat behind Big Mama while Tristan settled in next to her.
"Hi, I'm Tristan."
"My name is Nancy."
"Hi Nancy. Your daughter helped me tie my tie. She's very kind."
"Yes. She's very sweet."
"Nancy, how do I live a full life?"
For the next twenty minutes, Tristan asked Mom lots of deep questions. It was as if he'd never had the chance to ask a real adult about life and didn't want to miss an opportunity to gain wisdom. The amusing part was his use of the word "Nancy" throughout the conversation.
"That's a great point, Nancy."
"Nancy, do you believe there's a God?"
"What was it like for you Nancy, to raise two daughters?"
It was the most wholesome and confusing exchange. Meanwhile, behind them, I became nauseated by the winding road and was seated next to another frisbee player who was helping build an insulting chant to yell to the folks in the back of the bus. It went like this:
We are the front of the bus, the front of the bus, the front of the bus.
We are the front of the bus, the back of the bus sucks!
He and his three surrounding friends (and occasionally Tristan) would spontaneously stand up and chant this. The back of the bus would later respond with the same chant, edited to make the front of the bus suck.
This went on far longer than it needed to because the bus driver got lost. Behind me and the frisbee dude was an angry bridesmaid that couldn't believe how long it was taking to get back to the hotel.
"Nancy, do you feel like you missed out on anything?"
While I clutched my stomach, Mom gave Tristan life advice and he'd occasionally turn around in his seat to tell me how wise my mother is.
"Laura, your Mom is so wise. Do you listen to her advice?"
"Oh yes. She always knows what to say."
"Laura, I think you have the prettiest smile and I see you got it from Nancy."
Mom and I couldn't decide which one of us Tristan had fallen in love with and when we finally made it back to the hotel, we gathered in the lobby with Matt & Parv and the frisbee friends and they all decided to walk down the street to O'Malleys, an Irish pub. Mom and I politely declined, bid farewell to our new friends, and ascended the lobby stairs. Tristan stood at the bottom of the staircase, just watching us go with a warmhearted look on his face.
Mom and I held onto our confusion as we packed up our things and got ready for bed.
The next morning we ran into Parv and Matt in the lobby on our way out and heard all about the wild time at O'Malleys. We were surprised to see them awake and moving around.
We rode to the airport, breezed through security, and Mom finally got a chance to wander through some crap shops. We arrived home just in time for me to have a nap before Brett and I headed out to celebrate one year of marriage with some standup comedy by my beloved Craig Ferguson.
T'was a wild weekend indeed. Here's to the witty and creative Parv & Matt!
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