This Summer, Man. I Tell Ya

Mattie came home from Greece early.

and SINCE Mattie came home from Greece early, we will not be going on our Irish Adventure together. We had planned to meet in Ireland, post-Greece, so that we might have a little Adventure time together. She's got some friends over there from home that we were going to meet up with.

and SINCE we will not be going on our Irish Adventure, it seems I am the only one booked on a flight to Dublin this afternoon.

This summer, man. I tell ya.

Alas I am headed out anyways. I've been expecting adventure all summer and I WILL HAVE IT!! I've met two of the Mattie friends before and they are nice girls. I'm sure I'll be fine.

This seems sudden you say? Well I've been fearful of updating you folks on my travel plans as they keep changing drastically so quickly. Which is why I am going today. No if's, ands, or buts! Be it knives in my carry-on, I'm getting on this plane!

So I've said goodbye to Ellen and Buddy and dock time and afternoon naps. I've packed my backpack, charged my camera, and checked everything off of my lists. Worst of all I've had to say goodbye to this. My safe, warm home, filled with chocolate, cackling, and dog fur.

On the bright side, I'll have real stories and pictures to entertain you with. None of this, desperate, scrounging up something to report back to you. 

No, I'm not sure when I'm coming back but I've lost so much money on missed and cancelled flights that I don't have near as much to live off of as before. Mom is very happy about this as it means I will be coming home sooner. Mom hates when I leave as she has no one to talk to. Dad hates when I leave because there's no one around to talk to his wife for him. Yes yes I'll be back. I know my duties.

What's Irish and stays out all night?

Patty O'Furniture. 

Those Other People

As I've only been talking about myself lately, I shall now make an attempt to update you on the actions and successes of others. Make it seem like I'm not so self-focused. Although I will state here that my bike was stolen- right out from under our carport. What nerve!

Jared is really really loving New York. Yankees aside, it's everything he's ever wanted and in true Jared fashion, he stumbled right on into a new group of friends within hours of his arrival. He has finally found an apartment only a few blocks away from his buddy's places and across the street from "Peaches Hot House. I don't know what this is but I like the sound of it. I have since been referring to Jared as Peaches. Point is, he's very happy with his big move and I can't wait to go visit! (see, I made it about me).

Ellen has had a wishy-washy attitude about working for the old man. Somedays aren't so bad but mostly she has discovered that she is not so aggressive and confrontational with strangers as she is with us. This whole time we thought she was like Dad. Turns out she's a softy and doesn't like upsetting others. I believe she is now considering a move of career paths though I'm not really sure because she doesn't talk to me. I merely receive aggressive and confrontational comments regarding my lack of sympathy and "experience" with such trials. Some softy she is.

For a moment there, Mom's Next Big Thing was a tent rental service. This ended quickly when she realized people had to set up the tents and make sure things would go well for whatever event was taking place. This she decided would be too stressful and has since moved on to songwriting.

In his nighttime boredom, Dad has taken to reading books. This is quite an accomplishment. A year ago he lacked the ability to sit still long enough to read at all. The trouble here is that the books bring on the most extreme form of the Male Dial Out feature to date. He will not hear anything except the words on the page. For instance, I always take Budds for a walk around ten, but last night Mom went with me. (This is because she was afraid the bicycle bandit would grab me too). We said to Dad, "Were taking Buddy." and he grunted. We laughed on our way out that The Bandit could waltz right on into the house and clear out the place before Dad even looked up. Upon our return we informed Dad that Buddy ran away from us and is loose in the neighborhood. He grunted. A minute later he looked at Mom and asked her where she went and why Buddy was gone. "Weren't you listening?" she replied.
"No." he says, matter of factly.

Aribelle has purchased a new car and had to drive her old one back up here this past weekend. I had Ari-time for a few days!! She left promptly though as she has gotten a job back in NOLA and must be home Monday for work in the morning. These whirlwind weekend romances with Ari are bittersweet things. We have so much fun!! And then she disappears. I'm excited for her though. I like her shiny new car.

Tranquility: and Other Real-Life No No's

It has recently occurred to me that any jobs of real "importance" create a "sell your soul to the devil" sort of situation. In my boredom I've been job hunting. All in jest of course.

The main trend I've noticed is the one outlandish requirement for each gig. You want a nanny who can do your taxes? How about a landscaper to plan your trophy wife's trip to Argentina? A dog walker that sings? Whats wrong with people?
Mostly though, as for real jobs, my inability to use Photoshop and the fact that no one ever taught me to use Excel basically mean I'm worthless. Only these days does a person's worth rely on their technological ability. What happened to needing people skills? I have those!! Even if I'm faking. I can make things and fix things. I can convince people I'm listening. Customer service all the way man! I can alphabetize faster than Ellen can roll her eyes. So maybe I can't get rid of someone's third nipple in a photograph. Should I be punished for your atrocity? Am I really that useless to you??

While I am still trying to figure out what to do with my life, I'm kind of not in a hurry. Maybe you've noticed.
I've discovered that the limited supply of drive I have is happy to take the backseat to the Chris Union's of the world. I'm an unsure person with the tendency to panic. You go ahead and take that bus. I'll wait for the next one -because I'm not really sure I want go at all. What if all the people there have third nipples? Or what if they only eat sprouts and tofu? No no I'll just wait. You go.

You know what I mean?? I'm not an assertive go-getter. Don't force me into a world of pencil skirts and tight hairdos. Let me weave you a hammock or water your garden. I may not file your taxes but I bet I can make you laugh.

You know, I'm comfortable outside. Why aren't there more jobs outside?

Atlanta

Mom, Giggles, and I ventured to Atlanta this weekend for girly time and shopping. We made the five hour drive on Thursday afternoon and arrived in Stone Mountain around five o'clock. To save money and time we stayed in a hotel just outside of the city for out first night. The Terrarium, as we affectionally called it, was a hot, sticky place. It had that warm sense of mildew about it and our sheets clung to our bodies like damp paper towels. We were informed upon our arrival that the hotel was booked solid for the weekend. Two different black families were having family reunions and apart from the oafish man across the hall, we seemed to be the only white folk around. Try to picture three happy white gals sitting amongst a sea of back people at the breakfast buffet the next morning. We couldn't either.

We headed off to a big mall in the morning where we spent our day gaggling at the expensive stores and the sexually confused folk that work in them. Fabulous black men with false eyelashes and fishnet stockings. Coming from SCAD, I'm no stranger to such things but the appalled reactions of my mother left me bursting at the seams. 

After a back breaking day, we arrived in BuckHead at our swanky hotel -ready to kick back on a heavenly bed and munch on tiny chocolates left on our pillows. Well! There was no reservation for us! After much worthless searching, Jack the hotel man, gave us a room at the same bargain price we booked the place for. Unfortunately, it only slept two. Late in the evening I was provided a rollaway cot that blocked up the passage to the bathroom. I slept poorly on this cot and instead spent most of my night searching for jobs in the tiny screen of my cell phone. Oddly enough, nothing appealed to me.

The next morning we had a lovely breakfast and came back to the room to come up with the day's plan.

Having a sleepless night and little interest in the Designer Shoe Warehouse, I stayed behind for a quick nap while those two ran to this store "real quick". They came back three hours later. Giggles had a new pair of shoes. Mom had smoke coming out of her ears. Apparently, whilst I was slumbering in that giant cloud bed, those two were downstairs waiting on a shuttle for an hour. Then they shopped for a bit and waited another 50 minutes for it to come back and get them. Mom was especially enraged by this and even more perturbed to discover that they had checked us out of our room. Luckily I was still in there to let them in to get their things. We took our luggage downstairs only to be checked back into the hotel in the room right next door to our previous one. This room had two beds, though they were small. I remained awake for another consecutive night on account of Mom's bony joints jabbing me with every turn.

On a sunny note, we laughed a lot and ate lots of good food. Carolyn worked on her accents, Mom entertained us with her nightwear fashions and I discovered that I am still allergic to Pier 1 Imports.  It's the itchiest store!! In then end, that's what matters. The good times I mean. They even drove me through the Downtown on our way home so that I might look at the big buildings. They're eerie those things. 

The ride home went relatively quickly in my opinion. I managed to get my favorite church hymn stuck on repeat in my head and I sang it all the way home -mostly to myself though there were a couple of outbursts. Carolyn rode in the back to spare me anymore carsickness and Mom told me about Gladly, the cross-eyed bear. Google it. I was in stitches the whole way home.

Mattie In Greece

Mattie keeps sending me pictures of all of our Greecy friends- often with people pointing at me or holding signs that say things like "Where are you?" and "Get your butt over here!"

Each picture twists the knife another notch and yet, I don't want her to stop!

Last Night

I interrupted what has become the Ellen show to make my family go outside after dinner to take just one picture. Sure, it's a mildly embarrassing photo but fact of the matter is, we often sit around the house this way and carry on conversations of relative seriousness.
Bringing a camera into the situation changed everything. Dad suddenly got a case of the giggles and couldn't maintain his composure. Mom didn't want to walk into the yard for fear of the neighbors seeing her in this get-up.  I asked for a simple stone-faced, line-up shot. It proved to be nearly impossible.

As I put this together now, it's just hit me how bizarre we are. I sat here this whole time aware of the silliness but content to imagine the chuckles that will escape your lips when you see it. Do you think other families do this kind of thing? Are we really weird? I grew up this way. This is normal right?

Either way. Look at as us struggling not to smile.

Shut Up Already!!

Sometimes I get tired of hearing myself talk on this blog. I went back a read a big chunk of it the other day and it was a lunch date with a pessimistic chatterbox.

On that note, I was just explaining to Mom how my departure from the educational world has lead me to discover that I am in fact quite the happy person. Who knew? While I am excruciatingly bored each day, I have come to find that staring out at the world through a window is still far more satisfying than any schoolwork I was ever assigned. I like following Mom around the house from laundry to dishes to a little internet time. Oh your running errands? I'll come too! I've ridden around in the car with Dad, had dinner at Ellen's, and had so much fun at Wal-Mart the other day that I couldn't control my laughter as I made my way through the peanut aisle. I realize this means I'm crazy but by taking away any purpose or job to do, you leave me with only my thoughts. And since I can't stand those, I prefer to watch myself descend into lunacity, deranged and frenzied and convinced there is something funny about trail-mix.

Fortunately Ari is here this week for a visit. We had our traditional Surf Bar date on Tuesday and spent yesterday making brown sugar ice cream and chocolate chip cookies. Homemade ice cream sandwiches was the goal, though I had to go home for dinner before we could assemble them. Today we plan to drive to North Charleston and stare at things we can't afford to buy.

In the meantime I've been enjoying some dock time.

I've rediscovered one of my favorite party tricks.

And found this place in Bora Bora where I'd really like to have breakfast.

I think I'm having some kind of optimistic and encouraging meltdown. Maybe someone should check on me in a few days.

She Said Yes

Holding in news of this caliber has been detrimental to my health. No one ever tells me secrets. I suppose I don't hang out with a shady crowd. I haven't had to withhold a secret since I watched a girl squeeze a packet of mayonnaise into her sock in the first grade.

Private retention of excitable details is a difficult task. Once I saw Ellen's ring-to-be I almost popped. So maybe I told a few select establishments on Folly beach. And maybe even the guy in the grocery store who caught me grinning foolishly at a display of avocados. "Big fan?" he asked. And maybe Ari and Jared. And Mattie's family. And a few of the trainers in the gym next to Chic Antique. But that's it!!

This wedding is all about me. I've been waiting for this day for ages. This is a celebration of a Union's union and a happy life full of adventure and most importantly, a celebration of Laura's exoneration of a position she has begrudgingly held since childhood. I am no longer Ellen's whipping boy. I will no longer be accountable for emotional support. We are celebrating my freedom. We are celebrating my new beginning.

I would also like a small army of nephews (only nephews Ellen!) so that I may spare myself the grotesque burden of childbirth and still reap the benefits of creating little dickens's that will push all of Ellen's buttons and show her what it really means to not rinse your bowl before you put it in the dishwasher. I'll teach them that she can't stand the sound of fingernails against that weird felt fabric on the roof of the car and that if you bite her hard enough, she can't even scream. Oh we're going to have a great time.



Ellen, Chris, I'm only joking (no I'm not!!). We're all very excited for you two and I promise that my wedding speech (which is against my will by the way) will be much more loving and syrupy and candy-coated and all those yucky       love-time things.
Congrats you two!! Wachati!!

Home Life

I am currently enduring a state of boredom so extreme that it is almost profound. My thoughts are running rampant with nothing of substance to grab a hold of and think about. While I'm not doing anything of real importance, I have convinced myself that I am partaking in significant acts of monumentous weightiness. I am so bored that I'm convinced I'm busy.

 I do actually have a list of things I could be doing and while I select one or two of them to do each day, it takes roughly 4-7 hours of mental preparation before I can get started. If I was to break this preparation period with say, a lunch out or meeting up with friends, I would undoubtedly never come around to doing the things I should be doing. Sure, I have a few people inviting me out, asking for rides, visits, milkshakes etc. but I can't go. I'm too busy. I'm thinking.

I'm an introvert. I like being alone. I find my thoughts far more interesting that anything you could say to me. I am drained by your physical presence. On the other hand, I can be sociable and enjoy interacting with people who meet a hefty number of improbable personality traits that I require of folks I call "friends". But if you leave me alone for too long I will cower into a cave of my own thoughts and attempting to bring me out again is a task perfected by very few. I simply do not have time to answer my phone. The incessant ringing noise, threatening me with opportunities is far too much to handle. I will NOT answer. I will NOT leave my bunker.

In my current state of boredom I have decided that the City of Charleston should plant at least one tree next to every bus stop so that people have some shade while waiting for the bus. I've decided that Buddy does in fact know what the little room under the stairs is for. I also wonder if British people think Americans sing with a British accent AND I've come up with an ingenious idea for a new line of swimwear products.

My life has sunken so low that I am now thoroughly invested in the current season of The Bachlorette and find myself reacting to each of ABC's precisely calculated acts of spontaneous drama. There's a fight in the house? I bet it was that pesky Ben. "He's obviously not here for the right reasons!" I shout, dropping another dark chocolate almond down my throat and adjusting the pillow behind my back in a tempered fury.

Though I never thought I'd say it, it's a good thing I live with my parents. They make me eat and venture into the world on occasion.

How do you like Buddy's new jacket?

In And Out

Ellen comes home today. I'm happy about this for a number of reasons but mostly so I can quit her job. And those cats.

Jared safely made it to NYC last night about 3am. It was sad watching him clean up his Charleston life and pack it into a U-Haul. I was especially nervous about him driving on the wrong side of the road. Luckily a friend went with him to divvy up the driving responsibilities. Equally tragic, saying goodbye to Jared's cute apartment.

As for Union news, there's not much going on. Buddy got a new life jacket and I discovered a roach breeding ground in a crack in my window sill. It rains most days and on account of foolishly allowing the high school boy that lives next door to use the dock at his leisure, we now no longer have any private use of it. He comes over often, flopping himself into the hammock or doing some kind of jump-kick flip maneuver off of the dock and into the water. He also spontaneously appears any time we are jet-skiing, happily taking command of the ship and leaving us sitting quietly on the dock with our hands folded as he speeds off into the harbor. Buddy and I went kayaking the other evening and casually glancing back in the direction of home informed me as to a visitor, standing tall on the floating dock, awaiting my return; his skinny frame bobbing up and down with the tide. 

To make matters worse, he won't say anything. He's mute. He just comes over and stares at us until we hand him the key. We try to be nice. "Hey Logan. How's it going?" "....(big giant smile)...". "Everyone doing ok?" " (enthusiastic head nod)". Silence... "Do you want a ride?" "Yeah!" and away he goes.

As for Birthday Things, we celebrated Dave and my birthday with Mexican Food and red Sunglasses...

My friends took me to a Julie show, where she sang me happy birthday (the whole venue joined in) and then sang my favorite song that she always refuses to sing at her shows because it's "lame". 

And last night we had a joint David-Laura-Alston birthday dinner at Giggles' place. We had a wonderful pork and pineapple meal and of course too much birthday cake. We discussed Grandma's childhood bus driver (Ms. Stanley) and the fact that we forgot to have Alston baptized. We later stared as Big Louis rolled around in catnip and we watched as his eyes slowly glazed over. According to Google, "consuming much of the plant is followed by drooling, sleepiness, anxiety, leaping about and purring." Bob became red-faced and teary-eyed after noticing a picture of Carolyn with an oddly placed lump near the top of her skirt.

Jordan and Alston are leaving for the Keys on the 13th.  Alston announced that he would like to wait until after the trip to be baptized.