Tranquility: and Other Real-Life No No's

It has recently occurred to me that any jobs of real "importance" create a "sell your soul to the devil" sort of situation. In my boredom I've been job hunting. All in jest of course.

The main trend I've noticed is the one outlandish requirement for each gig. You want a nanny who can do your taxes? How about a landscaper to plan your trophy wife's trip to Argentina? A dog walker that sings? Whats wrong with people?
Mostly though, as for real jobs, my inability to use Photoshop and the fact that no one ever taught me to use Excel basically mean I'm worthless. Only these days does a person's worth rely on their technological ability. What happened to needing people skills? I have those!! Even if I'm faking. I can make things and fix things. I can convince people I'm listening. Customer service all the way man! I can alphabetize faster than Ellen can roll her eyes. So maybe I can't get rid of someone's third nipple in a photograph. Should I be punished for your atrocity? Am I really that useless to you??

While I am still trying to figure out what to do with my life, I'm kind of not in a hurry. Maybe you've noticed.
I've discovered that the limited supply of drive I have is happy to take the backseat to the Chris Union's of the world. I'm an unsure person with the tendency to panic. You go ahead and take that bus. I'll wait for the next one -because I'm not really sure I want go at all. What if all the people there have third nipples? Or what if they only eat sprouts and tofu? No no I'll just wait. You go.

You know what I mean?? I'm not an assertive go-getter. Don't force me into a world of pencil skirts and tight hairdos. Let me weave you a hammock or water your garden. I may not file your taxes but I bet I can make you laugh.

You know, I'm comfortable outside. Why aren't there more jobs outside?