A Snobs Review

Perhaps it was the swirling magenta wallpaper that made Karissa throw-up after only two hours aboard the Carnival Sensation. Or perhaps it was her celebratory glass of Champagne that she chased with vigorous dancing and a plate of french fries. But let me start from the beginning.

I arrived in Jacksonville at the same time Mattie rolled in to get Karissa from the airport. We met at a Chic-fil-a and laughed and squealed maniacally at stories we've told a thousand times. It was around 1:00. Kelsey's flight from California did not arrive until 10:45. To kill time, we went to a nail salon and those two had mani-pedis. Meanwhile I sat in the waiting room, reading a magazine, inhaling the noxious fumes and being hit on by a fourteen year old boy with Larry the Cable Guy's accent.
We eventually ate some grub and then hung out at the airport, giggling at a rate that even embarrassed me at times. We scooped up little Kelsey and made the hour drive to St. Augustine. Since Mattie's folks were out of town, we stayed at their swanky beach-front condo. It was a purse-swinger. To clarify, "purse-swinger" as defined by Mom, is any room or location where upon swinging a purse or bag in a lasso-like fashion will most assuredly cause devastation to the room's decorative accents and furniture.

We went to bed promptly and woke up early to wander through St. A for the day. We saw Mattie's school and apartment and then spent the rest of the day with some of her roommates and friends.

Who are these people you ask? Doesn't matter. We got up early the next day and drove to Port Canaveral, barely making it on time. Actually, we were late but a nice Jamaican man with dreadlocks of course let us scamper down the gangway with just a few minutes to spare.

Just as predicted, this was bar-none, the tackiest and most offensive public space I've ever been in. The four of us busted out laughing, crashing in to each other having stopped short to gawk at the scene. We didn't realize that the "Sensation" was not meant to be family friendly. It was a 70's Playboy boat. It was the Red Light District at sea!! Alright it wasn't that bad but the sexual undertones were blatant. And neon. Hot pink neon lights, pervy fonts, and shiny mirrored surfaces covered the boat. We wandered past the Ecstasy Lounge and the Fantasy Dining Room to get to our staterooms. Our rooms were quite spacious and the beds were particularly comfortable. Our only trouble was that our rooms seemed to be located on top of the engine or some other internal, vibrating machine down below. Everything rattled and made noise but our Indonesian steward, BamBang, assured us that everything was fine.

I didn't really take pictures of the boat. I don't know how that slipped my mind but this is "Sensation Boulevard" the main strip of shops on board.

Overall the boat was very dark inside and filled with delinquents and newlyweds alike. There was a pool-side dance party to kick off our departure and at the sound of the Cupid Shuffle, black people swarmed the pool deck. They came  out of nowhere! There were also a number of young folks like ourselves, just goofing off together before Christmas. Within an hour, everyone at the pool seemed to be drunk and that seemed to be the last of the sobriety we witnessed from our shipmates. It really was a delinquent cruise.  About 5:00, the boat started rockin'. Karissa threw-up just under a dozen times the first night. She had never been on a cruise before and the seasickness caught her by surprise. The other three of us danced the night away in the "Disco" warding off creeps and getting our toes stomped on by a behemoth group of college basketball players. 

The next day we were in Nassau. As we had all been here before, we went out for a celebratory margarita and ended up starting quite the party in the restaurant. Actually, it was mostly those other three. I'm always a bashful person you see. Within minutes those gals had corralled enough folks to fill the dance floor and there we spent our afternoon- befriending other patrons as we played games and did line dances. 

And met this guy that we couldn't get rid of.

Later we went to the beach and ran into some of our new "friends".

The next day was a day at sea and I became very seasick. I spent the day wrapped in a blanket on the back of the boat on the "Serenity" deck. Boy I felt bad but I was able to eaves drop on some most amusing conversations from topics ranging from home invaders to the office Bimbo somewhere in Pensacola. 

In case you didn't know, I haven't thrown-up since Clinton was in office. I was 9 and in Sunday School. It scarred me for life. It has since been my life's mission to never throw up again. Like Seinfeld, I proudly announce this feat. I believe it was a meager Black and White cookie that ended Jerry's non-vomit streak, so you see, I was under a lot of pressure to keep it down. There I sat, green in the face, freezing, and staring straight out to sea, so still a few folks thought I was decoration. The gals would come to check on me from time to time, in between dance parties and bad 80's Broadway reenactments.

As a whole, the food was "meh", the service was only slightly better, and I didn't even dare expose myself to any "on board entertainment" but you know, I would do the whole thing again in a heartbeat. I had a blast!

Once off the boat, we left Kelsey at the Orlando Airport and then drove back to St. A. I took Karissa to the Jacksonville Airport as it was on my way home but alas, I was so tired that I turned around and went back to Mattie's. I decided I would drive back in the morning so Mattie was forced to entertain me for one more day, which she did quite well once her big brother arrived from Nashville for Christmas. The two of them began breakdancing in the purse-swinging living room providing me with much laughter and terror for the breakables as well. Suddenly, I began coughing and feeling lousy so we ordered pizza which we ate on the pristine white sofa over the immaculate white rug. The brother looked me in the eye and said, "Don't. Spill." Then he proceeded to bring me a big mug of scalding hot tea for my cough that teetered in my nervous paws. The nerve-wracking horror of what could be shook me to my core. 

I got up early the next morning and slugged my way back to Charleston. I've had quite the Christmas fever since then and was even left out of the Orangeburg festivities. Seems I've caught a bug....

Happy Christmas!!

Well hello there and Merry Christmas!! It seems I'm back just in time to regale you with the subdued nature of your family's Christmas party. Well what can I tell you...

I missed most of dinner as I went downtown to fetch Jared but once we arrived we sat ourselves down and listened to Ellen's most recent findings for the next Guy Family vacation. I believe she is plotting a Christmas cruise. Or was it a South American excursion? Either way she received scoffs and eye rolls from the men at the table and looks of intrigue from the gals. 

After dinner the drowsy group moved it into the den where we sat and stared at each other. We exchanged a few gifts and Grandma presented her daughters with pictures she took off of her living room walls and a couple trinkets from her coffee table. 

The best gift of all was seeing ole Jordy and Alycakes. I never see them anymore and they entertained us all with stories of classic man-tics and Key West fiascos. Later Grandma announced that she has found her most recent Bachelor for me to marry. "He's German and has pretty blue eyes." What more could you need? She spent about ten minutes digging through the phone book, trying to find out where he lives before giving up and whispering to me about his educational background. I recently wrote a little article about her incessant matchmaking. I've got to clean it up a bit before I send it out but perhaps I'll email it to y'all. 

Either way, a bathroom-humored scene from the Three Stooges brought tears to Bob's eyes and then the kids began to casually slip out. In true Guy fashion, the rip-roaring good times ended about 9:00 and the dishes were done shortly after. Tis all I have for you for now. Merry Christmas!

I just drove myself home from Florida yesterday and am desperately trying to catch up on my slumber time. It's been three days. I just can't sleep! Tomorrow I shall tell you all about the cruise and the antics that took place. 

Enjoy y'alls chilly Christmas!!

Once Again

I'm packing my bags. Its a tough life. I've finished all my school related crap, have my last day of work today, and even been doing my healthy gal exercises. I've never mentioned the Asian woman I found on Youtube who instructs me in the ways of proper flailing and muscular stress. I liker her. She's peppy. Perhaps if you're lucky I'll let you meet her.

In horn tooting news, my final painting went over quite well and I even have someone interested in buying it. Though I'm tickled by this, I feel weird about it and assume something must be wrong with his mental state. I kind of want to keep it. What to do....????

The last two weeks have been a strange, sickness-inducing weather anomaly. For a while it was freezing and rainy.

Then a few days later, I went to the beach! In December you say? Yes yes in December. Its soooo nice out now.

After work today I must scamper home to pack my bag full of summer clothes and kicky sandals. Mom and Ellen are such snobs that they are hideously entertained by my partaking in a Carnival cruise. The S.S. Regurgitation as Mom calls it and she anxiously awaits a full report. 

I'm driving to St. Augustine tomorrow morning to meet up with Mattie and once those other gals get there, we'll make the trip to Port Canaveral and hurl ourselves onboard. I've decided that the clientele of this boat will be families with small children and delinquent young folks who ditched their families at Christmas. I hope I fit in.

Either way I intend to be stuck in traffic of monumental proportions for my drive up 95 the day before Christmas. I shall keep you posted on our antics upon my return. Enjoy your last week of Christmas shopping!!

The Importance of Family

I'm all done and you know what my body did to congratulate me? It got a sore throat that escalated into a shivering sweaty fever!! Come on! Actually I'm not all that upset about it as I now have no school plans for it to get in the way of. Ahh relief!! And you know I promptly went over for Mommy Love Time and chicken soup. Though to be honest, Mom wouldn't stop talking and I was desperately trying to sleep. Even she became tickled at her efforts to stop blabbering before she passed out on the sofa where I had been comfortably tucked in. I was forced to relocate myself though in her defense, she wasn't feeling great either. I did manage a few service glasses of water out of her before her demise asking her, in honor of Alston, to "save a little room in the top for love".

I spent the day quietly entertaining myself meanwhile I could hear Mom downstairs groaning in the agony of her general yucky feeling. She became quite cantankerous around 5:00 when Dad came home from his latest obligatory Realty class. "This is the biggest waste of my time. I could do the whole thing in two hours if they would just shut-up!! I don't want to be told what to do!!" You see where I get it?

As expected, the Stagnant Slapper had no concern for the indisposed women in his house and he continued his normal stomping around, slamming doors, and conversing with Buddy in a tone that rivals Uncle Ricky's. "Are you a gas ball?? Big ole Buddy's a gas ball!! Are you a stinky Boy? Go get the rope. Go get the rope Buddy!!" Meanwhile Mom and I had our mouths open and our eyes rolled back in our heads. Then he proceeded to order greasy Chinese Food and invite over Princess Black Cloud herself to add to the excitement. Ellen was also in a foul mood which escalated to dangerous heights when Dad forced her to go pick up our dinner. Dad also forced us to listen to old Zig Ziglar tapes upon hearing that he recently died. "You see" he said, "it's all about having a positive mental attitude" and then pointed at Mom with his eyebrows raised.

Anyways, I've just found that I have no family photos of us- or photos of life lately for that matter. Instead you'll have to settle for these photos from one of the more recent (though not so recent) Passing of the Afro Rituals.

I really love this last picture. 

A Year in Artsy Photos

I made this slideshowy thing for one of my classes but I ended up not using it. My attempt at repetitive themes was too hard to gather. Either way, it was to represent 1 year of my life in 2ish minutes. I cheated a little. Some photos are out of order and some are from last year but in my defense, I was trying to stick with my artsy theme. So kill me. Anywho, if you're especially bored, take a gander. Also, as a fun fact, the catchy tune in the background is Mattie's brother's band, Robinson. I'm quite smitten with them actually. You should google 'em.



Tonight is my final critique and I have yet to finish my painting. I work best under pressure you know. I've been quite giddy lately on account of my newfound Christmas freedom and the lovely spring weather we're having. Though it has given me premature Spring Fever. That can be heartbreaking you know.

Wait For It....

I am done with classes!! Isn't that rip-roaring, hair-raising, breathtaking excitement?? I have to finish up my final painting and turn it in Monday night and then I'm all done till January. Gosh!! AND my Christmas cruise with the Greek gals is in just 12 days!!

Lately has been a blur of things and I am ashamed to say I am very much uninvested in the happenings of my family. As for myself well let me tell you...

As of November-ish Ari and I have established Mondays as "Absolutely-Have-To-See-Each-Other-Or-Else-We-Never-Will" date nights. We've gone to a number of different joints in an attempt to find the perfect one.

We have also been following around our friend Julie who plays the guitar and sings songs she writes (quite well actually) and has recently released a legitimate album that you can buy in stores!! (Actually she has a number of these but this one, she claims, is the best). We've gone to all kinds places from Black-tie fancy clubs to Side of the Highway type dumps just to hear her play. She's amassed quite a following around here.

Anyways, in our search for the perfect, personality matching locale, we have added good 'ole Jared to the mix and finally found this gem.

Just three short minutes from my apartment lies Surf Bar, a tiny fire-hazard of a dive with a clientele of classic Folly slugs and men with hair longer than mine. We are quite smitten with it.

I think this place just screams "Laura". I mean come on. Hippies, sand, fruity beverages?? Embarrassingly (though equally ticklishly) enough, the bartenders now know our names and we get a collective "Heeyyynnminnn..." kind of groan when we come in. It's a great time.

On a more professional note, last weekend was ye 'ole Wine Under the Oaks Festival at Boone Hall. Jadie was in charge of the party planning this year and doubled the size of it from last year. This is partially what has been contributing to his loose-screw disposition. I didn't take any pictures of the party on account of working outside of the excitement but I stole these from our website.

I believe we had about 2300 RSVP's for this one. T'was a doozie. My job was simply to be a greeter, answer questions, and provide folks with their one designated wine glass. I stood at the entrance, smiling in my long black dress and standing in an ant bed. I had four guys behind me polishing glasses as they handed them out to folks. We were all really hot and hungry. Jadie finally brought us lunch about 4:00 and my glass-cleaners completely ditched me to go eat, though Carlos and Alberto sat close by to torture me with the smell of BLTs. 

The day was a rousing success and Jadie finally relaxed about 5:00 and dragged me around to meet vendors and entertain folks. I had been in charge of hiring a painter to capture the scene of the festival and though it was much more trying than I had expected (...the people I had to sift through...) I finally found a nice Asian girl who managed to complete two paintings in the short four hour window. The drunk folks were entranced by watching her paint and by the time I made my way over, she had a crowd of old men flirting with her. I'm not sure she enjoyed it.

As usual I got a big kick out of watching people stagger around and Erik and I even witnessed one older lady literally roll off the edge of the property and into the marsh. Erik was doubled over as he ran to go hoist her out of the pluff mud. He didn't even try to hide his amusement. I don't think she even knew it had happened. 

The highlight and worst part of the whole thing was the end of the night when everyone had left and all my fellas gathered together for the last time. They had been working in the parking lot and they were all wearing navy blue slacks and white button-downs. They looked so cute -it was heartbreaking!! I screeched out my Spanish Goodbyes and Thank you's and then headed home to write one last paper. They all left Monday and now the farm feels abandoned. It was so quiet yesterday. Erik and I just sat on a table -with nothing to do and no one to talk to. Erik, Gilberto, Juan, and Alberto are the only guys left and I believe they have 30,000 onions to plant this week. Awe geez....

Goon Hall

I have finally stolen some pictures of my fellas!! I didn't get all of them. Actually I didn't get most of them but these (I admit) are among my favorites. This past week was their last week of work until February or March. They will all be heading back to Mexico on Tuesday. Though I'm very happy they'll get to see their families I'm quite sad about this. These are the silliest guys. Despite their acting like tough guys in the photos, they have been smiling and singing and laughing all year. Except for a few that don't enjoy being teased, they are always in good moods, always optimistic, and always poking fun and playing tricks on everybody.

This here is Jorge, Ricardo, Victor, and Ramiro. Jorge knocked out one of his front teeth and now refuses to smile. If something is really funny and he can't hold back he'll turn around and laugh until he can control himself. I think he's going to get a new tooth when he gets home.

Ricardo has more personality than anyone ever. He has a high-pitched girlish goose-cackle laugh that I always hear coming out of the rows of tomatoes or driving by on a tractor. He sings happy spanish tunes while he works and can't help but smile if you look at him. You know what makes him even better? He's only 5 feet tall!! He and Victor have taken over as the resident pranksters. Back in October they set up some sort of sensor in the veggie stand and every time I walked by it a ghoulish howl would emanate from the corner. They watched from a safe distance as I desperately tried to figure out where it was coming from. It was making children cry!! Victor there is one of my favorites. I have a little crush on his outstanding character. He has a bittersweet story and he's turned into just the greatest guy.

And Ramiro. Ramiro and I play charades. He's been staying with me up at the Tree tent to help wrangle and trim the trees. He doesn't understand much English so gets very tickled at my attempts to act out "stand it up straight", "they're just looking", "can you trim some branches" and "tie it onto the roof." Its not as easy as it sounds. Worst of all I have to do this little show in front of the people wanting the tree. I go "Ramiro! Nyyeeenyeenyeee" and he knows to get the chainsaw and take off a few inches. It's very embarrassing but it really tickles the two of us. Lately he (and another one named Javier) have been making me repeat everything in Spanish. They'll turn a light off and then look at me. They won't turn it on again until I say "apagado". Then he'll switch it on, "prendido". Off. On. Off. On.

There was much giggling and acrobatics involved with setting up the tree tents and hanging lights from such heights. Meanwhile they are still picking veggies and plowing fields.

That's little Ricardo shimmying up the poles to hang lights. In white there is Gilberto who still hugs me everyday and brings me flowers and Gatorade.

This is Miguel. He's married to Gilberto's sister and he's very nice. He speaks English very well but he doesn't really understand it. He'll talk to me for 5 minutes about something only to give me a blank look when I respond to him. He does a lot of smiling and nodding before casually slinking away.

And then there's these two- Jadie and Erik. These two run the show. They work together everyday and I still can't decided who's in charge and who's the sidekick. They both rely on the other immensely. Jadie has a million things to do and is very scatterbrained and mentally pre-occupied. He's extremely kind and will do anything for anybody and is always coming up with kooky ideas for things. Erik runs the farm and is very much sane and level-headed. He is constantly having to appease Jadie's kooky ideas meanwhile biting his tongue and grinning at me- as I seem to be the only other one aware of Jadie's mad-hatter state. These are technically my bosses and I couldn't love them more.

 Last weekend was Serefino's birthday so of course I came over and sat amongst a blur of spanish words and laughing. I could only use context clues to decided what was going on but from what I can gather, once the people from their church came over they all hid their "drinks" and made the children go outside. Raul and Gilberto hid in a bedroom and the Grandmother made the birthday boy stay outside until everyone left. Ahh the universal panic of having good people in your home.

I'm really gonna miss mi amigos.